CHAOS

There is nothing but CHAOS... And there is NO room for ANYTHING else. No Joy, No Care, No Creation, No NOTHIN G.

There is ONLY CHAOS inside my head. Around me. Inside Me.

I Am Agitated. Numb. Frustrated. Angry. Hyper-Vigilant. HOW can I NOT be any of these things, with what's going on and how things ARE??

I Want ... NOTHING. JUST NOTHING. There is ONLY less than half a drop of energy, and it's ALL taken up by the CHAOS. Not only just that much does it take, though -- it annihilates SO Much MORE. Every Second, Evert Minute... And there is Just NOTHING LEFT.

There's nothing left for ME to have something.... Even Just ANYTHING...(...??!!?)

I just never GET... Anything, anymore....!??!!!??? The CHAOS NEVER EVER STOPS -- DEFINITELY Nowhere NEAR long enough to even TRY to DO Anything.

I keep getting lost to Nothing in the mornings. I have NO Ability in focusing on something or ANYTHING after Thumper in the mornings. That I want to try and manage something for my own self ... Just Doesn't Matter. Is LOST on me. WASTED On Me. I'm not doing ANYTHING Just FOR Myself. I'm too far gone to ever even care...

I just don't WANT to DO Anything Anymore. I'm Trapped in a BRUTAL bubble of "why even bother" that's crippling me... Killing me... And is NOT LETTING UP -- So I DON'T. DO. ANYTHING. EVER. ANYMORE.

AND I HATE IT.

Practicalities are the only things I FORCE Myself to manage. They ALSO TAKE FAR MORE Energy than that "less than half a drop" - meaning that I'm still OVER MY HEAD AND DROWNING IN DEBT that my body can NEVER EVER Manage to make up again...

BUT They ARE A LOT Simpler. They are FACTS; they don't require much thinking about. They're REACTIVE to what is going on. However, I HATE It because it detracts whatever I DO Have to left that I Could put into something for ME....

And then... There's even the BlackOuts -- even ZoneOuts -- happening even now, as I write this..... A few short paragraphs that then takes More Than A FUCKING HOUR TO WRITE.

I can't even SLEEP, or even SETTLE DOWN, because I can't DO These THINGS.

But my Brain is MUSH ... Congealed Oatmeal and SUPER THICK Custard... And I'm STANDING ON IT, unable to sink in, to GET INSIDE IT... Where all the Proper Cognitive Thoughts and LeliBug Land Really Exists....

And Instead I Am Trapped In This HORRIFYING REALITY that I REALLY DESPERATELY NEED TO ESCAPE AND LEAVE BEHIND before it not only Cripples Me, But Outright KILLS ME...