Mulan: Reflections

This is how I've felt forever .... I look at the mirror and see A Stranger. She ... It ... Doesn't Look Like ME.... I mean... I guess I don't know what I really look like. But I Do know how I WANT To Look.

For MANY Years I achieved this. I KNEW Who That Girl In The Mirror Was. I was SO fucking PROUD of myself for finding her... 

But then... She Was Killed. Died In The Mass Slaughter Of Her Mind And Body Over Years Of Debilitating Torture. She was Decimated and Destroyed for all time on 22 November 2013. This was the Last Day She Existed and the day she was Killed. I was dumped on my parents like a dog to the shelter, for no good reason that my disabilities were "Too Much" for the person I lived with. One day they never came home, ghosted me, and eventually disclosed they wouldn't come back until I had left, and that my parents "needed to come and get me"  -- like I was some five year old, instead of a [Disabled former] IT Data Consultant. 

My Heart, My Soul, My World, My Entire Life crumpled beneath the Shattering H-Bomb planted within me that day, EXPLODING Outwards to Raze Everything About Me Into The Ground & Beyond... I was only 34 years old, and when I left London for good, my EVERYTHING NEVER EVER Recovered. London Made Me & Gave Me Life -- Without It I Was Nothing.

My Home... My Job... My So-Called Best Friend (who dumped me on my parents)... My Life... My Existence... This Debilitating Medical Condition & Burning Disability TOOK EVERYTHING I HAD away from me.

I managed for a while, then I got Sepsis. Blood Poisonings, from "Horrendous" UTI and "Severe" Bowl Infection. I got Very Ill and Lost A LOT More of myself to it -- whatever parts of my body worked before then, was gone, and I was effectively mostly paralysed and almost entirely completely non-feeling from the sternum down. After that, I completely imploded, and could only try and flounder when trying manage to cope with the new way that I was. None of them made a new "Person" for me.

Nothing turned back up, and I was restricted More and More in life until I was housebound. Bedbound.

From Pain. From Paresthesia. From Symptoms Getting Worse & Worse that was NOTHING Like Fibromyalgia, confusing Everything Even More.

 

Bottom Line Is.... I Miss Me.

Mulan – Reflections [The Lyrics]

 

Look at me,
I may never pass for a perfect bride, or a perfect daughter.
Can it be,
I'm not meant to play this part?
Now I see, that if I were truly to be myself,
I would break my family's heart.

Who is that girl I see, staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
Somehow I cannot hide?
Who I am, though I've tried.

When will my reflection show, who I am, inside?


How I pray, that a time will come,
I can free myself, from their expectations
On that day, I'll discover someway to be myself,
and to make my family proud.


They want a docile lamb,
No-one knows who I am.
Must there be a secret me,
I'm forced to hide?
Must I pretend that I am someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show, who I am inside?
When will my reflection show, who I am inside?

January 2024