Is there ANY way I could possibly drill into my Narcissistic sister’s head that I really have much more pressing things to concern myself over than her self-involved ranting about she thinks I’ve “harassed her” or have had some kind of “behaviour issues” …?
[I haven’t done these things; I offered literal support — she saw it as (I think, she ranted a lot about a lot) “overstepping and being Vindictive”, including wishing her Happy Birthday AND asking her if she’d like me to get her a gift).
Because of her tirade and my heartbroken crying for about 3 hours, till 10:30pm, my FND, Fibro & Exhaustion/MEGA Fatigue massively flared up and left me in insane agony, and like a rock. I couldn’t even change when I had to.
Little SISTER decided to do an Entitled Karen Attack On Me...
a.K.A vicious, nasty, unprovoked verbal ATTACK ... Tirade....
She also starts talking about a conversation I had with her maybe a MONTH Ago now?? Goes ON AND ON about stuff I DO NOT GET. Still tried to be nice, to be soothing, then let her know I cared...
But -- She was HAVING NONE OF IT. IF ANYTHING the vileness, vindictiveness, hatred GOT WORSE...?? Everything thrown back in my face. Everything from me trying to have her back and be supportive to her when she was having a hard time, to me wishing her a happy birthday and, before that, asking her if she could let me know what she wanted for it... And this was Despite going through some REALLY Hard, Complex Things and PAIN, myself, at the Same Time.
She was just GUNNING for a Fight -- out of NOWHERE -- and I... Just wanted a QUIET FUCKING SUNDAY... So, she Unleashed A Horrifying Tirade of Utterly Vile Vitriol against me -- not unlke the one she sent in January when we were at the hospital with Lolli in Liverpool...'''
It was 7:30pm on a Random Sunday evening.
Whatever set her off, she's becoming an Utter B*CH... So Narcissistic... I'm beginning to wonder that it's part of an actual Diagnosis instead of just a Traumatic phase, or something. In the middle of EVERYTHING that's going on here, with what we're Dealing With, here... She wants to rail on and villify me for "not keeping my nose out" and "I didn't ask for it" or something like that [in regards to offering her said support before], and then on some semantics about what I wrote that she prolaims to be "Vindictive" - but for the life of me, I have no idea why; it was about me offering her support.
I Cried and Sobbed, railed and ende5d up in a Heartbroken Meltdown from it all... for more than 3 hours, until it was nearly 10:30pm.
For ALL I try to leave my despicable, traumatic life behind me... I'm STILL a 12yo CHILD TRAPPED in a Place & Space In Time that THEY WILL NOT LET ME LEAVE. They ALL keep the TRAUMA up... and I am TRAPPED in the MEMORIES, FLASHBACKS... IN HELL ITSELF.... They keep REPEATING the Same Things as before all the time.
And the worst part of it is... I am THE VILLAN. Never was, still am not [to them] a petrified chid. Or Even A PERSON. They said - over and over again -- I was Trouble. A Problem. Evil. Vile, Vindictive, Malicious, Demanding, Controlling, Jealous, Attention Seeking... And worst of all... Maniupative. Using Emotional Blackmail.
I had to actually look that all up in the end. I had no CLUE as to what this was or meant. I sure as hell -- even now -- have NO idea how one goes about doing that, or why.
Apparently kids who are about 12yo DO This....??! Except...
I have yet to meet children who actually DO this... And then ALL their parents do is BLAME THEM for Everything, & Give Nothing But emotional, verbal, physical & neglectful abuse. How is it a parent 25-30 years OLDER just plays a the part of a Victim to their supposedly controlling, damanding 12yo child, like they're just... hypnotised... into being utterly, entirely subserivent to them?? Of course that doesn't happen -- it's chosen. It's the easiest option, isn't it -- to simple BLAME Them for whatever is Going On, and Pretend You Can't DO Anything About it... Because then you have your excuse as to why you have't DONE anything to help, and you don't have to actually DO anything, either. Just stay in that situation and your Out, Excuse, is to just say "YOU Did It, You're The Reason.... [for whatever]".
I wasn't a Person -- I Was, STILL Am, A Scapegoat. I'm STILL NOT A Person to them. They do not accept me for who I truly am. I am A... Thing. Maybe even that's too "personal" to be right. I know that --- as far as they are concerned -- MY own needs, wants, desires, cares, pain, fear, emotions, anger, and so on are NOT even.... Relevent. Or Exist.
If anything happenss, with one, the others will leap to their "defense" against me, or be defensive for themselves against me... But not one of them will take My Own Feelings/Stance into account. It's Irrelevent To Them, somehow. I have to care about the others, apologise, "behave", act in a certain way and Accept whatever the hell they throw at me. Or if they ignore me and any needs. Or they throw vittriol at me, and I should accpt it without further ado and "behave properly"... or whatever the hell they want from me
ALL I know for a fact they don't want "ME" to BE Me.
I'm supposed to take it and Deal. Accept. Be Subservient, "good", "quiet", "well-behaved [by their social standards.
Even NOW, I have to have a Mask, for me not to be Attacked in some form.
I can't UNMASK in front of those three -- Mother, father, sister. And It's one HELL of a A HEAVYMask - a burddensome, breaking thing I no longer have the Spoons to truly keep it up .....
A TERRIFIED 12yo child, in a crystal-fragile glass mask that is about to shatter at the merest of a whisper or breath.
And Shatter Constantly, I Do.
And then they NEVER EVER LIKE whatever is behind that glass mask when it inevitably shatters.
She's losing a sister -- to the point there's be no point in her hating me because I'll just ... Not Exist?... To her... At the very least.
ALL THIS... Because SHE TOO, like my own mother, is a NARCISSITIC CHILD. and can't LIVE with NOT being the Queen of her own Whatever.
This one is about the fact she BELIEVES I am "hogging" her Mommee....
.... and GENUINELY WROTE that she believes I am effectively Imprisoning Mam & Dad here with Meltdowns and Emotional Blackmail of some kind...(?!!)
She came at me from Nowhere -- with this vitriolic tirade, blame and agruments and accusations pouring from her words, one random Sunday Evening...
Seriously, if it's THAT bad for her, she should be getting THERAPY -- Like I had To. Since I was 12... But Then I Got Traumatised EVEN MORE by.... THEM...
THE THERAPISTS THEMSELVES.
Mam? Won't even vilify HER for behaving in this way -- she wants to see "both sides of the argument".... i don't even HAVE a fucking side OR an argument!
So Here... In The Real World...
There are Things happening that are Disturbing, Violating, Demeaning, Disgusting... And, I really feel, are life-threatening.
The Incontinence .... Is UTTERLY DESTROYING Me. My "ME/CFS" type symptoms are EVERYTHING on the list (above) ALL Day, Every Day, Severely. I can't MOVE, from Pure Exhaustion. I can't
The Level of that Exhaustion triggers FND's Functional Seizures. I Black Out Constantly: several times per day, every day... I can't be roused, woken up, and often am in a comatose state,
Bad Dysphagia - Left barely able to eat or drink anything at all; struggling with food and dehydration.
Absolute Incontinences... And, currently, I am SATURATED. I haven't been able to change my Pants, or my clothes, because of what happened, what she did Last Night. The Enormity of it Flared Up FND AND Fibro, leaving me unable to physically move almost at all -- it causes Bodywide lock-in/Lockdown Spasm and I literally Can't Move At All. Breathing becomes an agonising fight, sometimes breathing so shallow it sets of my watch sats because it's under 90%... [Was 84% a couple of days ago because I had to move myself to the landing to help Lolli go down to the District Nurses - and the AGONY, EXHAUSTION & SUPER-PAD FATIGUE were Utterly, MONULNENTALLY HORRENDOUS]... And whatever movements I did, even just adjusting how I sit, was MONUMENTALLY AGONISING. It still is. The only difference this afternoon, is that the spasms have eased somewhat. Enough to do the change... Even though the EXHAUSTION & UTTER FATIGUE, the PAIN, the Difficulty with BREATHING... #
I have to change the Pants, the inco sheet AND my clothes. I often have to change my clothes 2 or 3 times per day = and sometimes even more so. I'm supposed to change Pants 2 to 3 times per day. I Just Can't. Fatigue, Exhaustion, Pain, Blackouts, and spasms wprl hard against me - wher eif I try to
They also cost me a FORTUNE... £45 per ORDER... at LEAST Twice A Month.
Functional Seeizures/BlackOuts
Trambling Hands and Fingers, stimbling, weak, unable to grasp or Small Muscles have Zero Control, Motor Skills almost non-existent. Even Typing becoming very hard. Writing once again, becoming less and less viable.
Paresthesia Pain & Buzzing
Eyesight... is severely impacted, and gets worse or better, waning and rehocovering entirely depending how ILL or Flared Up I Am with FND Symptoms.
Uncontrolled Saliva Glands & Drooling... MUCH Worse than it's EVER Been.
My head is POUNDING. My BACK IS KILLING ME. I can't see properly.
Everything has shut down, turned to STONE oink A aaaaaaaaast CAN'T MOVE. I can't drink or even eat. I'm struggling to Breathe.
I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO CHANGE.. my pad is BEYOND SATURATED -- IT'S FUCKING DISGUSTING, SICKENING...
My nose is BLEEDING BADLY.... A HUGE SIGN something is Wrong.
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