Spent nearly an HOUR trying to do meds between 12:20pm and 13:15, because I couldn't come round from my BlackOut/ Functional Seizure, no matter WHAT Mam or I did to try and Help That Along....
....I mean -- It's also kinda a no brainer if you look at the weather.... 997mb & 43mph winds Now -- and 995mb & THUNDER showers Tomorrow...
Now I've also just had to REALLY STRUGGLE with a BIG Change after BAD Incontinence Incident... The Black Under run (waterproof) had to go, the inco was utterly WRECKED, the pad + extra inside bit were Saturated, too... and somehow my dress was ALSO JUST AS BAD. Had to Change Out Of That, Get Into New Clothes...
... And I couldn't breathe -- it was TOO Much, Too Exhausting -- BEYOND Exhauting... My body LITERALLY CANNOT Handle my doing Difficult Things AND Breathing... At The Same Time...[!???!!??]
But then -- even more[?!!??!] .... Lolli's fuickling LEG BAG CAME AWAY FROM THE CATHETER AND IT ALL LEAKED EVERYWHERE == so BIG cleanup job there, as well.
I'M FUCKING DONE. FUCKING EXHAUSTED. .....
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH ALL THIS ... WHEN THIS IS MY LIFE AND THERE'S NO WAY OF EVER COPING WITH IT....??????!!?????!!???!
It’s getting beyond getting too difficult to COPE anymore, when all of my known, best & only coping mechanisms have been snatched away by these jailers that call themselves "Medical Conditioners & Chronic Illnesses"…
Functional Seizures. Brain Fog. Paralysed/Tetraplegic. Bad Tremor in arms, hands & fingers. Intensely Painful Paresthesia. Pain. Hazy & dimmed eyesight. Drained, Heavy Exhaustion that's like NO OTHER from Debilitating Fatigue that cannot even BEGIN to sit on ANY 10-Scale... Just like my Fibro pain used to be, before I got the Right Meds.
Functional Neuropathic Disorder & Fibromyalgia are UNRELENTING & MERCILESS... Dehumaising. Debasing. Soul-Destroying.
When I went through Hellfire as a child until in my 20s, I sang, I danced, I wrote words — in a diary, in blogs or my own stories, I played music, I wrote songs. I ran or walked FAR. From my later teen years onwards also drove, became a semi-professional singer & performer, singer-songwriter.
But…I can’t do that anymore. Any of them. So… REALLY Not Coping. And Not Coping with Not Being Able To The “Coping Mechanism Things”.
I have a brain that’s nothing but pounding pain and a mind that very nearly doesn’t exist; dissolved into nothing by what feels less brain fog than heavy mists of Torrential Acid Rain. All in a body that struggles to get the energy to even breathe, let alone move…
Let alone manage anymore more.
Feels like dying. Feels like imploding.
Most of all... Just Feels like Torture.
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