MEGA MAJOR BlackOuts are just a CONSTANT fixture in my life now... And I'm rather skimming the edges of losing the will and battle to give any kind of a Rat's Ass About Even EXISTING Anymore. For What? Nothing... Literally Nothing? Just hollow NOTHING...
No Care. No Drive. No Will. No Ambition. No Interests. No Future. No Life.
Just Numb Nothing.
There's no way of making it better - Gods Know I have tried SO MANY THINGS and it gets me NOWHERE.
I've worked SO HARD... But I Am WRECKED MORE THAN WRECKED ITSELF...
BURNED OUT TO A HUSK.
I can't cry. Oh BOY Do I WISH I Could Cry, Sometimes -- It's an incredible language people seem to understand better than whatever I can ever manage... Just Crying will change everything about how people speak to me or treat me about 98% of the time, at least...
I don't just KEEP Blacking Out because I'm Just NOT OK...
It's something STRONGLY to do with FOOD, as well... Stress, Exhaustion, Physical & Emotional PAIN - particularly physical, really - as well as deep psychological Trauma - including Meltdowns, Mini-Meltdowns, s
I am SO COLD... BUZZING BADLY, Headache, ANOTHER VIVID Nightmare.... ALWAYS THE SAME EFFECTS...
There are times I’m just typing on laptop then.... fucked up weird stuff happens {that's the things in the Nightmares, BTW}... and then coming round on my side having fallen sideways on the bed beside me, or staring up at the ceiling, flat on my back, unable to get up and in UTTER TORTURING AGONY because my spine is arched and crooked from flopping down backwards.
It rules my life.
Time is stolen constantly, up to several times a day, and/or for long periods.
Sometimes, THE ENTIRE DAY.
This is time I could be doing something useful or fun or interesting. Instead, I am imprisoned in a Hell of my mind's own making for as long as I end up being passed out. The Nightmares I am Trapped In are... Monumentally horrific,
Some days, all I do is Black Out over and over and over again for HOURS. It's the worst kind - frightening and torturous at the same time. It's AWFUL seeing the hours literally vanish from your life, from one eye opening to another.
Head aches so much, it's more akin to Migraine than "Just" a Headache... Also -- Nausea. Serious Dizziness. Hazy, unfocused eyesight. Complete inability to stay conscious, barely Lucid when conscious. This goes on ALL DAY. Sometimes it might stop in the evening or night time.
My parents have been on BlackOut Mode System for years, by now. Countless times they've come to find me passed out unconscious by these things, trying their best to bring me round. I'm somewhat easier to bring round these days, it seems – or, at least, I'm better than I used to be.
Well... To a certain extent. At least I have Pain-Controlling Medication these days; at my worst I had almost literally nothing controlling my Pain, whatsoever... Is it ANY WONDER my brain either couldn't, or maybe Didn't Want To, come back Online...??
The Worst One was Seven Hours long.
In fairness, I also found out a few weeks later I had septicaemia & sepsis, so... Probably wasn't that much of a stretch to say that had been part of it.
....BlackOuts have been — They Dictate & CLAIM & STEAL My Time — obnoxious, overpowering, relentlessly unrelenting...
Regardless.... I am SO SO SO Freaking DESPERATE to get back to my Normal... To Games. Writing. Website stuff and Graphic Artistry... Properly — with Choice, deliberation, passion and intelligence.
#Fibromyalgia #ChronicPain #chronicillness #disability #Disabled #depressed #spoonies
BUT.
There seems to be Very Little - or No - Point Wanting Anything — in wishing anything, planning anything... Nothing ever happens, or ever gets Done.
My entire everything is DICTATED To by This ONE Damned Medical Condition & is fuelled by Everything that Surrounds It. I have VERY Little say - If ANY - in my own life existence.
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