The Overwhelming Distress, Confusion,, Hyper-Anxiety, and Complete Disintegration of PURE CHAOS that is currently bombarding my existence is FAR More than I am capable of coping with anymore....
Right now I am so utterly Wrecked & Drowning & Desolate in my Soul, I am Actually Crying. It takes a Monumental Inside Tsunami of Inner Turmoil, Misery, Confusion and Hollow Empty Numbness to make me Actually Cry.
And. I. Don't. Cry.
Literally. I Can't -- It Just Doesn't Happen; like my body doesn't really know how to do it.
I do not like crying... I Outright Hate Crying. But sometimes, there is just SO many BAD Wrongs Inside Me... There really is nothing else for it, it seems -- unless it's an outright meltdown, and it's best to turn that into Crying if it means escaping the clutches of one of Those.
I Am Hugely Struggling...
I CAN'T DEAL. I am SO OVERWHELMED with WRONG I Can't Even Describe It... I CAN'T EVEN GET INTO MY HEAD LONG ENOUGH TO WORK SHIT OUT --
EVERYTHING HERE IS KEEPING ME OUT OF IT -- LOCKING ME OUT OF MY OWN MIND -- AND I CANNOT KEEP LIVING EXISTING LIKE THIS.....
I AM SO WRUNG DRY I'M ABOUT TO COMBUST....
I Feel Physically Sick. Overwrought.
It's TOO Important... VITAL... To Have Permeant OPEN Access to my Deepest Mind... That's My BACK BRAIN where Everything... The Real Me... My EDI... My Soul... All Exist.
If my conscious mind is locked out of it and left to run by itself, on its own... ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE & BPD is all that's left to run it's own PANICKING SHITSHOW...
BPD is the TRAUMA I have been through my ENTIRE Adult Life... That the TRAUMA of my childhood Developed.
It's Been CREATED By It -- And It Is RUN By It. My Autistic Mind Is Then Driven To Distraction - and then Driven Literally Crazy - By It.
This Is Where I Am Right Now... And... It. Is. HELL ON EARTH For Me.
There's Just More & More BlackOuts... TMI Sensory Overload... Late Meds from being compromised like this. All Day. Pretty Much Every Gods-Damned Day.
From The Other Day....
... Blacked Out... In Mind-Blowing AGONY after Today... BUZZING BADLY & Only Came Round to Lolli's 3pm Meds Alarm going off...
Experiencing Unnerving "Dream" or whatever -- VIVID & Too Strange ...
Feel like I have a Vestibular Migraine or Similar -- and the Headache feels like there's an icepick that's been driven right into my skull at the front...
Or The Day Before...
I am OVERWHELMED BEYOND OVERWHELMED... WAY WAY WAY TOO BUSY... Now I am Dead Inside - Numbed beyond hope.
A Few Days Before That...
MEGA Struggling with BlackOuts AND ZoneOuts Tonight... AND it looks like Lolli's Catheter is BLOCKED Again Already.... Naturally -- BECAUSE MAM IS GOING TO CATRIN'S PLACE FROM TOMORROW (FRIDAY) TILL SUNDAY -- THAT'S THREE FUCKING DAYS ON OUR OWN THAT WE CANNOT COPE WITH.... FFS!!!!!!! SO FUCKING FURIOUS.
I have already flushed her AND changed her bag TWICE,... She is STILL Bypassing & Spasming. STILL NO - ZERO - Output from her Catheter.
she'll need the nurses out tomorrow if this doesn't sort itself out. no fair you weren't really into helping me 😞 gotta deal with this shit ALL ALONE NOW COS LOLLI IS TOO ILL TO MANAGE ANYTHING AND IT'S NOT OK AND I AM SO FUCKING NEARKLY DONE
YOU LEAVE SHE NEEDS TO HAVE A CATHETER CHANGE AND I AM ALL ALONE
As always it's ME -- ME here along because Lolli is TOO ILL TO EVEN BE CONSCIOUS and having to DEAL with it like this - I AM SO FUCKING CLOSE TO BEING ABSOLUTELLY 100,000,000% FUCKING DONE WITH EVERYTHNING.
She is BLOATED, full of air and not draining anything AT ALL.... There's a lot of (strange-smelling) fluctuance and nothing else.
So it's going to be DISTRICT NURSES DAY TOMORROW -- And Mam gets to Go To Southport to see Cat and play with her 2 grandkids, whilst we are STUCK WITH DEALING WITH THIS -- SOMEHOW!!!!! .... WHOOO FUCKING RAY.
.... I am ABSOUTELY FURIOUS -- EVERYONE ELSE GETS A FUCKING BREAK AND WE'RE HERE TO ALWAYS GETS TO DO SOMETHING NICE!!!
IT'S A FUCKING FARCE.....
STILL ASPIRATING...
What's Making it all So Much Worse... Is the New & Complex Problem that's reared its ugly head and is not going anywhere, now.
ASPIRATING ON ALMOST ANYTHING.... It's been happening more and more and more -- Until Suddenly, It Became More The NORM Than The Intermittent, or Rare.
ASPIRATED COFFEE WHEN TAKING MORNING MEDS AGAIN..........(!!!!!!!!) IT WAS HORRIBLE ....
Again, I hadn't even KNOWN I'd Done It -- until it came to going to wake Lolli for Meds and that's when I realised... I didn't have enough air to talk -- like when you've run WAY too fast to tell someone something, and then trying to get the words out after that... And my 2stomach plummeted again.
And on internal inspection, I noticed all the usual tell-tale signs were there - unable to breathe well or talk, unable to take deep breaths (or hardly any at all), feeling of heaviness in my lungs, strange taste after coughing, and the actual coughing.
... BONUS POINTS for NOT Freaking Out, Getting Flashbacks, having MAJOR PTSD Attack, or getting Petrified, though.
Was Just... "Oh, Fuck... Not Again".... And Upset it had happened. A little bit frightened and Wildly Physically Uncomfortable. But No Inherent, Visceral PURE TERROR Response this time.
I'd managed to breathe it in right to the bottom of my lungs after taking a deep breath to make up for Holding My Breath to take Meds... GAH!!!!!
It took a LOT Of Work & Effort to get that shit back up... LOTS of First Aid Backslaps, A LOT of coughing and getting bits of gunk as it got slowly brought up through the lungs. Had To Take Asthma Inhalers To Help, Again. It took More Than Several Minutes. It's was AWFUL. It's always Awful.
Then FINALLY.... I felt it Dislodge out of my lungs and into my trachea -- but it was A BIG Thing and actually Choked Me - it blocked my trachea. Mam banged my back harder and more, and coughing more... Till It Finally All Came Out.
It Poured Out... Thick Gunk with Oodles of Liquid Brown [coffee] stuff - almost like vomiting; but out of a different tube and vital organ.
It's in A Huge Congealed Blob of Mixed GLOOP and is Disgusting.... PETRIFYING To Think -- To KNOW -- That was INSIDE MY FUCKING LUNGS.
And nearly ALL of it went on Lolli's Cool Blanket, AGAIN, too. So, That's had to go off to be cleaned as well... Lolli clearly needs a new one, an extra one.
IMMEDIATELY On That Happening, I COULD FINALLY BREATHE...!!!!!!! ALL THE WAY DOWN MY LUNGS, UNHINDERED....
I felt Normal again,
and that meant I also knew it was ALL Out, too.
That was all from sometime before 7:45am to about 7:55am.... I vaguely remember the 7:45am alarm going off whilst it was happening - so I'd say it was probably a lot more than 10 minutes this incident went on for...
And for those 10 or 15 minutes or so... I am coughing, struggling to breathe, trying to reign in my panic
And AFTER ALL THAT?? ...
Aspirated Again. Again.... AGAIN.
...It's Getting Real Old, Real Quick Now...
But I have Zero Clue as to what I might be able to do, to be able to stop it...
I HATE That.
It is Exhausting to manage.... Takes Energy, Force, Concentration, Stamina — to keep forcibly coughing like that for So Long.
Takes 5-15+ mins to go through each... “cycle”, to get it {ALL} out... Because There is No Diaphragm to help push it out, either.
ALL the Effort is coming from the muscles that work hard around my ribs, and the effect of the First Aid Back Slaps from Mam or Lolli.
I'm not able to cough right up from the bottom up again, which makes it Even Harder — having to {instead} cough it up systematically from the bottom back up to top...
That's Just Making It Happen In Long, Convoluted Stages, making it take A Long Time To Get It {All} Out.
And Something that would probably happen in seconds with the Diaphragm Force that I Once Had.
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