Have done nothing but zone out blank-minded for the last HOUR, instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE... Wanted to play GAME, more than anything — BUT. NO... APPARENTLY. THAT'S NOT ALLOWED... NOT. GOING. TO. HAPPEN...!!!!
Disassociated... Disengaged... Vacant...
FEEL ACTUALLY ENTIRELY, IN EVERY SINGLE WAY, SICK to my stomach with myself when I'm doing this. And I Cannot WORK OUT WHY I am....
I need to, though. I HATE IT.
I don't know what the Hell is going on right now, but it's Horrible.
Fibromyalgia, Hemiplegic Migraine, Vestibular Migraine, Long COVID are all individually and in concert are Absolutely Wrecking Me. PAIN, Paresthesia, Disturbing Sensations, AGONY, Exhaustions, Fatigue, Fragile, Physically Trembling, resulting in Depersonalisation & Disassociation... Everything Is Overwhelmingly Too Much.
HOURS & HOURS & HOURS GO BY EACH & ERVERY DAY... AND I'VE STARED AT MY PHONE, LAPTOP, COMPUTER, THE WALL, THE FLOOR... UTTERLY VACANT INSIDE, WITH NOTHING BUT RAMPANT & PURE CHAOS IN MY BRAIN AND IN MY MIND (oh, yes -- they're Two VERY Different Things!!)
My Existence is Vanishing before my unfocused eyes, and I am seemingly Incapable of, unable to, or Struggling To Manage to Grasp a single millimeter of purchase on it, get even a SMALL say in what happens or what I do with whatever time I have left here - whether it's ten years or Six Decades.
Agitated... Jerky & Jittery... Can't Think AT ALL... Physically CAN'T Move & BRAIN is Driving Me To DISTRACTION Over It...
TOO MUCH STRESS = Too Much Fight-or-Flight Chemicals RUSHING THROUGH my system and NO WAY for my to BURN IT ALL OFF without HELP... And There Is No Help...
AND THE WEATHER WITH ROLLERCOASTER ISOBARS IS DRIVING IT ALL TOO TOO DAMNED CRAZY....
WHY AM I LIKE THIS???!!!!!! --
Asking As A SERIOUSLY SERIOUS QUESTION...
Frustrated - Angry - Hateful - Trapped & Imprisoned - WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY????
Is it a purely physiological or Medical type thing governing my health? That, to a certain extent, I can't help it... Cos I really am Just Too Ill (which is how I FEEL...🤷🏻♀️)???
IS it Habitual By Now??? Where Once the above was true, but I got better... And it Stuck???
EXCESSIVELY -->> Exhausted, Fatigued, Drained, Tired, Overwhelmed, Sensory-Overloaded, Cognitively Over-Processing
... AND WAY TOO TOO TOO TOO TOO TOO STRESSED & DISTRESSED...
So, Instead of doing something Relaxing or Useful, like Reading, Playing A Game, Working on my Books or Websites, Or Studies... ... I am WAY Too Often either STARING AT Something Innocuous like my phone or iPad and doing Nothing on it... Or [worse??] Partaking in Something Pointless & Vacant like Twitter or Google News... or Just Staring Into Space.
AND IS IT ANY GODS-DAMNED WONDER...??!!!
Dizzy, Breathless, Disorientated, Disjointed, Disengaged... BAD Headache... This Vestibular Migraine is Doing A Happy Jig Throughout My Brain here... and making my Brain VERY UNhappy...
Trembling hands, weak fingers, clumsy, crawling under my skin that feel like Nettles & Acid... SO SO SO fucking EXHAUSTED., UNABLE TO KEEP EYES OPEN, almost.
It feels like that Popping Candy Paresthesia crap is literally EVERYWHERE... Everywhere that I can feel, anyway.
And THEN There's The Awful Spasms, which are rushing, screaming throughout my Torso & Back - Shockingly Intense around the lower ribs -- as well as running up & down my Spine... Making Breathing almost impossible and Moving something that makes me either want to Black Out or come very close to doing so...
It ALL Comes & Goes throughout each area, each one hitting sharp and strong but also flitting about... Rather like Acid Rain Random Drizzle -- coming from the inside out.
ALL That, On Top Of Having To Haul, hike & Drag A Heavy Body around that either can't or doesn't want to move because the Weather has done ALL The Above & MORE To You & That Body.... And Legs that won't move, that are nothing but an annoying, limp burden, literally causing things to be SO Much More Annoying, Difficult, Burdensome, EXHAUSTING....
...And having to physically move the bottom half your body by dragging it about or manually, physically lifting & manoeuvring your legs in whatever way you happen to need - whether you can actually manage it or not. Something that makes me want to throw up and feel Imprisoned by, all by itself.
It's IMPOSSIBLY Difficult To Cope With. To Put Your Mind AGAINST It Minute After Minute ALL DAY - EVERY SINGLE DAY. To Go Head-To-Head Fighting for Consciousness. EVERY MINUTE OF IT, ALL DAY. The Stress of this ALONE is enough to make someone Just Rollover, Beethoven, and accept your fate without a fight.
Seem To Lose To It Most Of The Time, Anyway...
And as if that's not bad enough, I'm forced to the bathroom at obscene times of nights, on random days with big gaps in between... to go to the toilet. There is no rhyme or reason to it -- and it's Absolutely Downright Beyond Exhausting.
The physical capabilities it requires to manage beginning to end, along with the fact it can take anywhere between half an hour to two hours for me to be able to get in and out of the bathroom, makes it an ORDEAL.
A LONG....-ARDUOUS... ORDEAL...
So, instead of doing something Relaxing or Useful, or going to bed, at 1am... I am WAY Too Often either going to, preparing myself to, or Recovering From... Having To Go To The Bathroom.
So. IS it really ANY WONDER... I Am SERIOUSLY NOT WELL IN ANY WAY AT ALL...??
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