ROLLERCOASTER ISOBARS Keep Fibro Hell Alive & Well...
Fibro Flare-Ups Keep On Coming... The REALLY Bad Ones...
Fibromyalgia Flareups and Paresthesia are outright cruel. Chronic Pain & Chronic Illness with Long COVID means Suffering with Painful Agony & Exhaustion.
It means I Literally Can't Move. It means BedBound or Spot-Bound [as in being stuck sitting in my spot on the floor next to the bed].
I literally cannot think -- like when you're drugged up from meds, or really really drunk, or Super, Super Exhausted... Just about EVERYTHING is off the table, so I can't Do Anything...
I cannot focus or concentrate or take anything in. I cannot comprehend what people are saying -- what their words mean. They're just as blank to me as if they were saying it in Japanese (...I do not know Japanese). Even if it's something I am looking at, or know what should do with, I go blank and cannot comprehend what it is I'm even supposed to be thinking, let alone what I am. Or If I Am.
I have less than ZERO Energy to do Anything... Every Small Movement Costs an Insurmountable amount of Everything To Manage. This also literally includes breathing.
Hands and Fingers no longer work, let alone do as they're told. Feels more like trying to continuously use the Claw Arcade Game than using my actual hands.
It's like being literally trapped inside a body that is My Prison. It's fucking TERRIFYING.
There is also one of the WORST Pains I have had to Endure in a LONG Time...
There's a horrible rogue nerve in my gums, buggered or wrecked in some way from when I had a REALLY BAD Abscess in it about 3 years ago, and when I have BAD BAD Nightmares, I clench my teeth BADLY and Set It Off - meaning it triggers Pain That Rivals My Actual Migraines all over the side of my face, running through the entire right hand side of my head...
It starts at the place of the nerves by the front of my lower jaw teeth, close to the canine one somewhere, and it RADIATES right down to the back of my jaw, where from there it bisects -- both travelling a) into the top half of my teeth all the way to the canine there, and b) up into my cheekbone (making it feel like it's been punched and stamped on) into my forehead, to my temple. All of it together feels like a Migraine gone absolutely Rabid -- and even I never had one of those.
What's worse, is it just so happens it's the opposite side to where my Migraines used to be; so the part of my face and head that's Been Used To It since I was maybe 6yo, isn't the one that gets to deal with it... No. I get the side that doesn't have any experience in this, and has to start getting used to it from scratch... Meaning my poor brain has absolutely NO IDEA what to DO with it & Just Absolute PANICS instead...
Maybe there's just no nerves left on that side after a decade or more of CONSTANT Migraines burning the hell through them until they just gave up and died...??
The Absolute AGONY of the Nerve Pain coming from my face right now is Literally UNBEARABLE... And since I am just about maxed out on Every Feasible Painkiller I could be on, right now, there is literally nothing I can take to help me deal with it, either...
It's Paresthesia... A Simply Word for an UNLIMITED MYRIAD of ways to cause and produce pain in Whatever Way Stupid Nerves Feel Like It...
I'm reduced to putting on FLEXISEQ MAX cream (a good Nervine; calms nerves going crazy), Germaline (it's got local Anaesthetic in it) and Mam's Own "Hemiplegic Migraine" Essential Oils Concoction, also stuffed with known Nervines. It's taking the Very Worst off the SUPER-RAZER-SHARP Tip of an Assassin's Dagger, inside.... But frankly, I'll take it.
Coping... Just Doesn't Exist. Not really Mostly, when it gets like this, its a case of "Batten Down The Hatches" and Wait. I have Blacked Out Four Times and can do nothing to use as a Distraction for it to manage coping.
Can't look after my Eczema-devastated skin on my cheeks and face. Can't Drink My Coffee. Don't get to put makeup on. Don't get to play games. Do't Get To Read Books... or Even FanFic right now. Don't get to write more in my books or write notes about them in Editing... and this small blog took HOURS & HOURS to complete. And I DEFINITELY CAN'T Eat....
Need To try an Run An Analysis on my Baby (PC Tower) for duplicate games and where they are located; sort it all out. There's definitely Some Duplicates on there, I've seen at least one or two them coming up in file searches. That's not getting done, either...
When I feel like this... I Feel Overwhelmed. Miserable. Vulnerable. I feel the Immense Vulnerability in being 42 years old (birthday's in a week, I may as well claim it...!), living with Parents, being taken care of by parents, and by parents who are getting older. And being a (sudo?) Person who is Also Getting Older -- but not Better.
This Horrific Situation First Started NINE YEARS AGO. It's THE TEN YEAR ANNIVERSARY This Year. That's a DECADE OF ENDURING THIS NOW. I've already had the SEVENTH Anniversary of being dumped here like an unwanted dog, too.
And First, I'd had OTHER MAJOR Plans that had in mind for being 42 years old; when I had NO Idea being like this was even POSSIBLE, and Second, I then - after this happened - I different ideas to the First, but zero INTENTION of being THIS BAD Seven Years Later... Before Destruction. Before COVID. Before Long COVID. Before "LONG COVID" turned out to be "FUCKING FOREVER COVID".
It hurts more because I was FUCKING GETTING BETTER, TOO. Psychologically And Physically Stronger. Managing More. Going Out More. Managing More. And HAD PLANS.
Then COVID. And Long COVID. Which is Now Clearly "NEVER GOING TO FUCKING END COVID".
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