It was supposed to be an "easy" day, as in CHILL Day... And today has been anything BUT ... CHILL.
It's AUTISTIC DATA OVERLOAD... including a MAJOR SHUTDOWN /MELTDOWN, NON-STOP System Data Inputting Overload (too much stuff happening at once, and constantly keeps going), Exhaustion & SUPER DRAINED, NO CHANCE OR TIME TO CATCH A BREATH, NO "Me" Time HEADSPACE...
And Even WORSE -- whenever I TRIED TO GET INTO something to GIVE me that headspace, I ALWAYS Get WRENCHED FROM IT to DO something, or someone/thing NEEDED My Attention...
The thing Is -- THIS Is the WORST -- Causing Agitated Frustration, Resentment and Anger and PURE ABSOLUTE PAINFULLY AGNOISING CHAOS Inside My EVERYWHERE, Especially My HEAD, when I am REALLY BURNT OUT And DESPERATELY Needing this HEADSPACE to get some literal SANITY.
I WANT and NEED to DO Things,... But I CAN'T because EVERYONE ELSE gets my attention, BUT ME.
I NEED to LEAVE this "Reality" and ESCAPE away into OTHER ONES -- where I DO NOT EXIST. Where I am NOT TRAUMATISED OR TORMENTED... Where I am Not In AGONISING PAIN & SUFFERING with it... Where My Brain doesn't feel SO HEAVY IT'S ABOUT TO EXPLODE....
Today was SUPPOSED TO BE Simply Pancakes and Chinese Takeout ... THAT'S IT!! But Instead, Mam went ahead and caused RAMPANT CHAOS & DAMAGE TO ME by "HAVING" to go SHOPPING (NOTHING that couldn't have WAITED...!!!!), PINGING ME for everything (cos they're NECESSARY)... and in the end I BLOW MY OWN BRAINS OUT OF THE AIRLOCK AND LITERALLY HAVE TO ORDER HER BACK!!!!!
SO MANY DRAGONS OF DISAPPOINTMENT.... Resentment... And No Pancakes As Promised....(!!!!!!)
And Now... Lolli having Bowel Spasms, which have Forced her to Vomit, so I Rushed to get a sick bag, and in doing so ended up getting trapped on and pulling out tube for Night Bag that was Plugged Into It.... which I'd forgotten about, because they're not supposed to be LEFT Plugged In. Because THIS Happens..... Now the bed quilt is bloody part covered in it now... It's A Nightmare...
And NOW I am going to TRY and eat the Chinese Takeout that was ordered.... but I JUST FEEL SICK INSIDE and REALLY FEAR that it's going to be "RUINED" inside my head by eating it when I'm ANGRY-BORDERING-ON-FURIOUS, CHAOS INCARNATE, AGITATED TO HELL.... Because That's ALL I'll think about the NEXT Time that Ever Comes Up Again - and I'll Never be able to happy or use it as Celebration Food again... Because This Ruined It...
I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY JUST WANT TO BE PHYSICALLY SICK RIGHT NOW....
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