Barely Here

I slept from 03:47am to 07:31am, when it was time to wake for Meds. I didn't go back to sleep -- I wasn't able to... I wasn't allowed to; the Night Bag decided to detatch itself and wet me, the bed, and my blanket. So, No Sleep After That. Awake ALL NIGHT, then Not Being Allowed To Sleep or Rest During The Day, either.

Any Sleep is marred by SERIOUS NIGHT TERRORS... Or at least NIGHTMARES... There's No Rest to Be Had THERE, either.

I am Cold & EXHAUSTED. Drained & Fatigued beyond measure, Aching from the HUGE Physical Endurance Pushes I Constantly Have To Face & Get Through These Days.

I have to be in Charge of Me AND Lolli. Constantly. 24/7 ... Every. Single. Day. I Physically have to DO EVERYTHING - Every Single Day. And Being Alone In That Premier Inn - having to at least TRY to look after Post-Sepsis Lolli was... BRUTAL.

It's Done A Number On Me - as well as Lolli -- She should NEVER have been in a hotel 60miles away from home days after being released from Hospital from Sepsis. She wasn't capable to looking after herself or me, and I wasn't capable of looking after either of us, either -- but I STILL HAD TO TRY AND MANAGE ANYWAY... Everybody Else's Decision... But The BRUNT of it Was On ME.

I should have been HEARD & LISTENED TO When I SAID I Was Scared Of Going because it was TOO MUCH TO HANDLE. And It WAS. Now I am BRUTALLY, PHYSICALLY BROKEN AGAIN -- BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T LISTEN TO ME.

Now -- I'm Minorly Traumatised. I feel FROZEN, OVERLOADED, SCARED, OTT TMI, OVERHWLEMED, UNCERTAIN... My Brain IS DEAD.

It's supposed to be Yule in a few days. I couldn't CARE LESS. AGAIN. Last Year I was Post COVID. This year ... THIS. PLUS LONG COVID. AND Having To Somehow MANAGE EVERYTHING BY MYSELF. Physically & Mentally Demanding in a way I cannot Realistically manage well; yet the struggle of trying actually costs more Spoons than if I was OK enough to just Manage.

My Mind is FRAZZLED. Hyped-Up on What's Next, What's Next What's Next... With ZERO Space or Ability to Just BE.

It was SUPPOSED to be a BREAK... But now I am WORSE. EVERYTHING is WORSE.