Chronic Illnesses, Disabilities… You have NO Idea how or what is no longer something you can take for granted anymore.
I’ve lost a LOT to Chronic Illnesses & Disabilities that have come with them, but I’ve just been thrown headlong into a whole NEW one…. And that’s after 12 YEARS of going thorugh This Shit…
I’ve had TWO BIG Tech Clusterf*ks in the past few days, and I’ve been trying to do what I used to do, something that once used to be Easier Than Breathing to me… Which was, Quite Simply, FIX.THEM. Only Now… I CAN’T…. For the FIRST TIme In My Life.
My [BRAND NEW] Gaming Laptop & Self-Built PC Tower Rig have REALLY F*Kd UP, and it’s Probable Windows 11 OS is singlehandedly responsible for BOTH. WELL... ONE this is for SURE — even with the October Deadline window closing up, Upgrading to Windows 11 from othres is a NIGHTMARE — AND It’s ALREADY WRECKED my PC Tower System.
My 2-month old laptop FRIED Itself… And I don’t even know HOW. [Well I Know HOW, in the Tehnical sense, but I have NO Clue how the laptop managed to DO It… FFS…!!!!!]
I KNOW it Would NEVER have been like this if I was like I was before. BEFORE ALL THIS FND-Fibro-Chronic Illness Crap STARTED. I’ve probably made mistakes I wouldn’t even know where TO EVEN BEGIN, now, because I can’t DO things thing the same way, anymore. I Can Neither Physically Or Cognitively keep up even a fraction of the capacity it takes to Get This DONE, anymore.
After Days, I’m TOO Exhausted, Flaring Up, Can’t Open my Eyes Properly, or even SEE or Move, or even Breathe, right (thank you, FND)…
Then, there’s the so-called Brain Fog. Except… Mine’s more like Brain-Custard-and-Porrige [oatmeal], whilst walking around said brain in Metal-Soled lead shoes and with MRI-standard magnets along the floor. Fixing Tech used to be INSTINCT. Well, it still is — except said Instict is taking A Nap With Noise-Cancelling Headphones they use wtih Jackhammers On.
I’m Just SO Utterly Damned EXHAUSTED from dealing with All This SHIT that’s my body’s been FORCED To Endure & Exist both with & through.
Physically, I’m a BiggerWreck then I usually am. Even now, on the Inside, I feel like my bones & cells are made from Liquid Nitrogen, whilst on the Outside, my skin is actually Burning UP, whilst is also Being In Agony, Everywhere.
My Back & Neck — The Entire Spinal Chord, Plus — is KILLING ME. Fibro Points are starting to Scream, FND Paresthesia & Other Sumptomatic Shite is completely buggering everything up even more. So Very Dizzy, Fuzzy & Hazy; Everything is a level of Derealization that feels more like a Dream Squence in a movie that anything bordering on “Real” Life.
In doing this, I am also having to BE WITHOUT the thing that makes me a lot more Grounded — a Computer: Gaming. Writing [easier on a (min) 16” screen than a 13" tablet, and don’t get me started on Word Android app edition]. Internet Deep-Diving [“Rabbit-Holing”]. So Much More.
There’s an older Gaming Laptop, but there’s a Reason I got a New [WAY Better] One…. [Debt be damned; can’t take That with you, either, and life is already TOO Miserable to be MORE Miserable without something that CAN play your games on ULTRA at a min of 2K HDR AND Kick It on 4K UHD AND HDR as well…]
I also even paid [special offer price] for Xbox PC sub and THAT’s now going down the drain as well.
All. Beause. I. Have. Utterly. Contentious. Body. From. Chronic Illnesses. & Thos Causing Other Disabilities.
GAH….!!!!!
This has been the Cornerstone to my Personal Identity since I've been an adult who finally recognised her skills. That's [ahem] a few decades now [humph]... Now I feel ... LOST. Like I truly have NO IDEA about ANYTHING anymore...
It's as bad as, Maybe even Worse... then having Music and Singing removed from me.
~But feeling THIS ILL... I'm have no idea if I'll ever be able to quiet think I did Ever Again... And Idea Scares Me Absolutely WITLESS.
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