Life has only ever been good to me if I planned it out.
I don’t sit around and worry, fretting on “what ifs or maybes”, though. What I do, is more like a... Risk Assessment - use what information I have and the intent that I have and create scenarios that have backup plans for them, if other possibilities might be viable.
Leaving Life to its own shit, though? I’ve been forced into doing that, because of being insanely ill, and without me to guide my own ship [and shit]…
I can’t even begin to list the sheer clucsterf*ks that has happened because of it. Leaving my life in the hands of others has been Traumatic.
Being Autistic means “going with the flow” is absolutely Petrifying and also Very Traumatic. And when that “flow” has been left to its own devices… All Hell Seems To Break Loose.
Chronic Illness means that I can’t Dictate or Plan - and the result has ended up being an Overwhelming about of awful that has not stopped…
And it’s Now Breaking Me.
I’m No Longer Sure if I will EVER Be in a position to take that control back again, to give myself the breathing space I so desperately need to Just Get Better….
Chronic Illnesses end up in Power Play, Power Struggles, uneven Power Dynamic... and You Taking Control Over It.
Outside Forces are always more In Charge: Other People, External Agencies... Even your own Conditions.
*YOU* always seem to be forgotten in the middle of all that. I Know *I* Am...
Haven't done ANYTHING. Haven't been able to DO anything... Brain Dead ... brain fog ... TOO IN PAIN, TOO DRAINED, TOO EXHAUSTED ....
Have HAD to SIT in SOAKING WET NAPPIES & INCOS ... ALL DAY ... because I LITERALLY CANNOT MOVE from PAIN & FATIGUE.
ESPECIALLY FATIGUE. DRAINED, HEAVY, BARELY-CONSCIOUS & NOT-LUCID FATIGUE......
I HAVE GOT NO WAY of Getting Into Kushtie-Chair, Let Alone Wheeling Into Bathroom, Transferring Onto The Toilet, Cleaning myself up... then doing it ALL BACKWARDS again..
I'm MEGA WORSE OFF HERE than I am at home. And isn't THAT saying something .... ???!!!???
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