I am Too Exhausted... I am Too TMI'd... I amToo Wrung Out and Drained... I amSo Way Beyond My Limits...Hallucinations and BlackOuts Prevail, So Goddamned Strongly... I Don't Even Have Any Words For All This... Not Even "Overwhelmed" Does It Any Justice...
The BlackOuts, ZoneOuts and Hallucinations are the worst -- arguably as bad, sometimes worse than the pain itself. The Pain makes sense... Those other things Do Not...
Hallucinations don't even have a Loading Screen or Front Credits anymore -- they just go straight into something, maybe even stuffing me right in the middle of a conversation already being had, and my consciousness just... enters into it and stays there. It's more real than... here. "Reality".
It's like, one minute I haven''t even realised I've started slipping under (I don't even need to close my eyes, either), and the next I'm all sucked in, and I'm not even aware that this isn't real... Until I start coming back round.
Then, it's like those strange editing mixes, where one image is faded out whilst the other is faded in, at the same time. Yeh, it's like that. And I have to force myself to adjust to being "Back" here, including having to deal with temporary Full Amnesia, and there's no telling how quickly or slowly I came back, or how much I come back.
This level of Disassociation is scary. It is so out of my control, and sometimes it takes me a stupid-long time to come back, or fully come back, from those hallucinations.
My eyes are burning and feeling heavier than lead [and that's every time this happens]. Closing them Inevitably brings me straight into HallucinationLand; keeping them open ends up the same way, but takes longer.
All this stress, coming from my own being as it is, combined with the still-prevailing and sharply terrifying PTSD symptoms and reactions from what happened at the Hospital last month.
The Emotional and Physical toll having the Catheter is still putting on me, even after 2 1/2 years of this BS.
The CoronaVirus thing is making it a hell of a lot more worse. It makes me sickened that these perfectly happy, healthy, "normal" people cannot cope with being isolated. Or having their lives disrupted. Or being told what to do. Or be considerate.
It truly chills me how narcissistic, selfish, self-worshiping this country has become. No sense of camaraderie, or community, or a commitment to Help and Do The Right Thing for each other.
They can't do it for a Few Bloody WEEKS? I had to do it for my Entire 30's...That's the Better Part of a Decade and Counting...
It makes me want to go and poke them all in the eye with a spoon. Or a toothpick.
I thought that being locked up and isolated for the world was a difficult thing... But what's worse than being locked up and isolated, away from world? Being locked up from the world alongside the rest of the Fucking World...!!!!
To Make Matters Worse (cos, you know, who doesn't need that...?).. I fucking forgot my meds this morning, too -- Freaking Too Goddamned Exhausted After Last Night. Each Forced Change of the Catheter takes a Hell of a Lot Out of Me.
No Tramadol or Pregabalin until about 12:20pm, if not later. The morning before was clear punishment, was emotional, psychological and physical Trauma -- so bad was it, I never thought to attribute it to Meds. Or lack thereof.
And It Was B.A.D... Abject Fear, Paranoia, lost, vulnerable, attacked, all thoughts and voices, and images, and emotions everywhere. Tormenting Me.
That is how I had to live before... It wasn't so much fun getting a taste of it again now, either...
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