Utterly WRECKED dealing with Realities of Incontinence... The Utter.Degredation....
Lolli had a BAD Make, poor thing, and because of Reasons, it unfortunately ended up smeared on the bottom sheet of the bed..... And of course it had to be all sorted out.
It was All Over & Under the Dry Night. It was on her leg and on the bed. I ended up having to use Alexa to call Mam to come to help, mainly because we didn't have any Dry Nights left in here & Desperately Needed Them to fix this.
After working HARD to sort all that out for a long I found out I would have to keep on going.. . I then had to do MY Pad as well .... It had UTTERLY DISINTEGRATED INTO ALMOST NOTHING...
... MOST of it was in disgusting puffs of soiled cotton wool - on the rug, carpet and cushions that I sat on...
Its got itself ALL. OVER. THE. FLOOR..... It's UTTERLY Deplorable.
Been at it since... Just after 1am, I think .... And I've been feeling EXTRA ILL since before them, too...
Hell....I'm TOO EXHAUSTED TO EVEN THINK OR MOVE OR EVEN BREATHE. Talking is actually leaving be BREATHLESS it takes SO MUCH effo'rt .. like running a sprint race.
The Past Two Days have just been Beyond Awful ...
Beyond exhausted and UTTERLY WRECKED... ZERO actual "Sleep" [or what passes for Sleep] at all - had Two BlackOuts in the night, then was awake the rest of the time until Thumper* made me BlackOut again, around 9am-ish, and had another BAD BAD BAD Nightmare.... Then, it was nearly impossible to come round when finished with it...
Been WRECKED ever since.
{*Deep Tissue Massage Gun}
There was no Cat's Claw for Morning Meds, either, after not being told in time more was needed... It got delivered just in time for afternoon Meds, though. But still, that was still an entire Morning without it...
I can feel it in my system, kicking it up and jumpstarting it slowly. But Surely. Can even see it happening with Lolli, too..... It's Vital for managing to just simply Function – without it, we can't even do that.
The night before — I even Blacked Out whilst doing Music... Then – Just Came Round... In SCREAMING BLINDING AGONY - trying to get up off the floor where I slammed back on my spine was Brain-Melting...... (!!!!)
It was Lolli's Meds Night, also... Managed 4 Boxes in the end, in about 40 minutes. After that, I helped Lolli into bed and managed to do a little bit more music until I apparently Blacked Out....
And.... Somehow managed to eat all my food ... Pork Pie Pastry, Pine Nuts Pasta with Pesto, and BLT Tesco Sammich. That's the most food I'd had in days, maybe weeks. Seriously.
...I then found out I've been curled up, just half in the bed with Lolli, by her knee after coming round from ANOTHER BlackOut.. helped her with bowel spasms being caused by the Catheter, ironically.... Then must have Blacked Out Again....
Still out the bed, in the floor - just came round again and I have no puff, still in some SERIOUSLY SHITTY PAIN in my back, and WAY too fucking EXHAUSTED & DAZED to even start to think Straight.....
So. No.
There is ABSOLUTELY NO CHANCE of getting up into bed right now.
....
It took until 05:08am... Managed to make it into bed then, at least...
Even managed to get Lolli into her side, because Buddy had been snoozling there before, taking up half the bed... Even Souly never took up half the bed....
~~~ || ~~~
RIGHT NOW....
It feels like I am losing the battle for my life.
Lolli literally is the ONLY thing saving it. It's Meltdown & Soul-Destroying Central here and there is NO DAY LEFT UNTOUCHED... And I can no longer COPE WITH IT WHATSOEVER....
IT'S BEYOND BROKEN ME ALREADY. NOW ITS ANNIHILATION, DESTRUCTION... A FUCKING joke H-BOMB on my Will To Live, to SURVIVE, TO BE HERE STILL IN ANY ANY SHAPE OR FORM.
EVERYTHING ContinuesTo Destroy Me All Day Every day... There is no amount of Begging, Screaming, Pleading, Demanding, or reasonable requests to be treated in a certain way — that REDUCES THE HORROR instead of BREAKING ME — that seems to Make It STOP.
NOT. EVEN TO. SAVE. MY. LIFE.
I CAN'T EVEN EXPLAIN IT. WHAT IT DOES. WHAT I HAVE BEEN DRIVEN TO BY TRAUMA, NY PTSD, BY C-PTSD & CHILDHOOD TRAUMA....
To the HELL ON EARTH I'VE HAD TO ENDURE FOR 30 GODD-DAMNED YEARS....
I'm 12yo all over again... I'm WAY MORE VULNERABLE & WEAK... I am paralysed. I have Fibro (/FND). I am 30 YEARS more worn down & World Weary. I am a Trapped Prisoner in my own body. The Regression, though, is Really Real.....
I can't drink, it's NOT SAFE To Drink... Anxiety, Fear, overwhelming feels of ALL KIND... So I am Dehydrated - meaning sedemented concentrated urine... Which STINKS. Stinks the bag up with stinks up my damned clothes, too..... It's a SICKENING Smell.
I've turned a horrific corner - into a catastrophic breakdown - back to where I was last year, in complete TRAUMATIC OVERLOAD... Hyper-Anxious 10,000%, PETRIFIED of EVERYTHING... I mean EVERYTHING - moving, breathing, thinking, managing toi physically DO ANYTHING.... Shaking in my shoes, vibrating HARD in my very BONES from PURE UNFILTERED TERROR...
I WASTE 99.9% of my VERY SOUL on coping with this, forced into Enduring This HELL. NOTHING ELSE GETS A LOOK IN... EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY IS STOLEN TO JUST SIMPLY ENDURE & SURVIVE IT... There's NOTHING left to delegate to ANYTHING ELSE... I get to do NOTHING.
THAT has it's own really REALLY BAD effect... It means I get so used to not being ABLE or CAPABLE of doing a LOT of things for MANY months....
I literally get TOO Overwhelmed or frightened to actually manage to do anything if there is any chance of it - and I become incapable of being anything but HIGHLY ANXIOUS AGAIN for doing, what if effectively, "Something New"...
It's utterly, heartbreakingly, soul-destroying & DEBILITATINGLY DESTRUCTIVE.
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