Looking back at all the entries in my Journey Journal for this month... I have spent it ALL in Severe BlackOuts. Day after day, constantly almost each entry details how I've been struggling under BlackOuts and unable to do anything, or even function in any way, at all...
Too much stress. Too much bad weather.Too much everybody else having Zero Consideration for the thankless, exhausting and PAINFUL existence we have here...
The more I also have to look after Lolli, the worse it gets, again.... We're Just Not Catching a BREAK, Here.....
Even my own Birthday was a... well, even saying Clusterfuck DISASTER doesn't actually Quite Cover It...
Been trying to do... Anything. Writing. Organising Writing. Writing Blogs. Website Admin work. Gaming. Uploading & Indexing Gaming Vids on YouTube.
... Staying Lucid & Conscious...
It's All NOT Working, Whatsoever.
Right now...
Feel Nauseated... But at least my back feels a lot better after Mam Put Tisserand De-Stress Oils on me and squished my back as I lay across the big orange puffet... And that's helped a LOT with the BlackOuts - The Pain, Discomfort, Intense Burning & Buzzing sensations were Too Much for my Mind to tolerate whatsoever, hence the BlackOuts...
The MAJOR "FND" Style Symptoms are the WORST Culprits for BlackOuts - but CAUSED by certain other things. Stress, Distress, Shock, Autistic Burnout, Meltdowns/Shutdowns, Panic Attacks, being Overwhelmed, Being Sensory TMI/Hyper-Sensitive Sensory Overload...
Even Damned Nightmares.
What's also working against me is my Bowel. It's a Pain in its OWN ASS and doesn't give me much of a CHANCE to manage to DO ANYTHING, EITHER - because it CONSTANTLY sends me off to the bathroom with MEGA PAIN in my lower sacrum (akin to an Electrified Javelin Impaled Into The Tip Of My Sacrum)... Only then to MAKE ME WAIT an EXORBITANT amount of time for the literal and figurative shit to get the hell out of my Bowel.
Using Nothing But Sodding Gravity To Manage It - because I seem to have almost literally no Peristalses, since the bottom 3/4 of my body is actually Completely Offline.
I'm in there for anything around
Aspirating
Also Finding Out A MAJOR Problem regarding Swallowing Meds... Or maybe anything, really.
When I'm taking Meds with Pudding (especially), the Mechanism For Swallowing ISN'T Being TRIGGERED. I'm Sure of it, now. This didn't used to be a problem, until recently - it was working fine, but now... I'm pretty sure it's definitely not.
I don't know why, and it's especially with the Meds, like I said.
Maybe because I don't "eat" them? Though I've tried mimicking the system, it rarely works - and even if it does, it's sporadic, at best.
It also seems I am Aspirating badly again... I've had a few MAJOR "Lung Vomiting" Incidents in the past few days... And even worse, I barely even knew there was anything wrong.
Last Night....
Aspirated again.. And there was a decent amount of stuff that came out... But then, at the end, I ended up having to put maybe too much force into it, to get it from right down inside my lungs — ended up vomiting (properly) when trying to get the last of it out...
Well, it worked, even though it forced stomach food out too... 🤷🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🫣
I feel a LOT Better now.
Would have been catastrophic to have tried to ignore it or write it off as “being tired”... Which I was tempted to - but I really didn't want to chance it. I'm REALLY Not A Fan Of Chest Infections.
The Night Before...
Seem to Have Aspirated a buttload of crap AGAIN ... Just Lung Vomited a LOAD of fluid — don't know whether lung fluid or water-based — and particles to go with it. Luckily Lolli was still awake to help...
Don't know WHY it was Now that I felt it physically... That just means a little shallower breathing, feeling oppressive;y bad feels from Gloomy to catastrophism.
I still don't feel great..... There's an oppressive heat in the room, which doesn't help.
I've had to take inhalers after, to try and feel better. It's... Less common, but it happens.
But I'm also concerned that these things have got into my system in a bad way...
There's always the possibility might just need to sit/ lie-up quietly for a little while to get my equilibrium back. #580eaa
I AM Absolutely Exhausted. In BURNOUT MODE. I have NO idea how to fix that.
And the day before that...
Had a REALLY BAD Aspirating Coughing Incident... I Just Have NO IDEA — NONE!!! —WHERE OR HOW(!!!).... ALL THAT came up.... (?!!!????!)
I didn't think there was anything wrong(!)....
Then tonight I felt like things were making me feel a little breathless. Like when my lungs were a bit irritated by the traffic outside in London.
I thought I'd better check I case I've Aspirated something. So I tried coughing a little and suddenly a Tsunami of fucking FLUID comes freaking POURING OUT, ALL OVER THE PLACE and the orange puffet.
And then it HAPPENED AGAIN - AND EVEN MORE came out — CRAPLOADS OF IT....!!!!!!!
It was Fluids — Coffee & Water — Laced with Food Particles... NOT GOOD.... {!!!!!!}
I think this is happening because I'm Utterly Sodding Totally Absolutely Fucking WRECKED after the stupid District Nurses' Debacle on 13th March ('24) and the subsequent CONSEQUENCES of it... Having to EXTRA look after Lolli not only before, but Long After - and STILL AM - is UTTERLY SCREWING ME OVER.
And that's ON TOP OF STILL Recovering Over The Last Suprapubic Sodding Debacle they created!!... That was between January 2023 and September 2023... and in the last SIX MONTHS I'm not even a SMALL PERCENTAGE RECOVERED.
So... I REALLY Didn't need the Extra Hard Fucking Work - or WORSE.... The Sodding PTSD that happened because of it TO BECOME FUCKING REALITY AGAIN, causing MAJOR TRAUMATISING CONSEQUENCES...
Having to ALSO live with those... SURVIVE THROUGH THOSE... DEAL With Those... The FLASHBACKS. THE SICKENING DREAD OF UTTER HOPELESSNESS. The HEAVY, SHAKING WEIGHT of sheer fucking EXHAUSTION. The MENTAL TORTURE of DEALING with what you're having to DO, ON TOP OF What You Already HAVE TO LIVE WITH - Serous & Severe Medical Condition, Multiple Health Failures & Complex Mental Health/ Psychological Conditions.
I have literally Survived it ONLY because I'm Just Too Fucking Stubborn Not To. Barely Managed It, actually. It's come close FAR TOO MANY TIMES.
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