PTSD of a Different Kind

Just came out of Major BlackOut ... Waiting for Someone to call from GP surgery - Supposedly the Dr is supposed to be calling me re the FND "Dossier" I [finally] sent to them, but I really have NO Interest in actually discussing it... I'm too exhausted, too overwhelmed and TOO GODS-DAMNED FREAKING DONE after the last few weeks and especially the past few days...

I spent MONTHS writing out my carefully curated & detailed Dossier on how the symptoms of Functional Neurological Disorder / FND mirrored my own, in what I had to endure and go through not only every single day now... But in how I started becoming ill in a way that was not Typical Fibromyalgia in the first place - before I actually developed Fibromyalgia. 

I had thought [for a long time, including back then] that the Pneumonia that preceded the "Fibro" was the problem, still... Despite it being weeks later. Well, I actually thought that it was the Pneumonia, going to work, and that the house-move undertaken whilst actually having Pneumonia (and the day of moving house was in torrential rain, as well), had all affected my health, and therefore also my spine, causing it to further complicate the mild lumbar disc degeneration in my spine and the nerves around it.

I already had one-sided paralysis from what was "already wrong with it" [having absolutely NO idea at the time what was wrong with it, whatsoever] - something I'd had since I was 17, and had blindingly managed ever since, in my own clumsy way. It seemed that the lumbar degeneration was causing the nerves around the area to "switch off", mostly paralyzing my leg, [but also my face and/or my arm on occasion, too] so just tried to deal with it the best possible way I could manage. However, this had always been exclusively on my Right Side. Always.

This time... It was doing things to my Left Side. Then Both Sides. Until I had trouble walking At All - requiring a wheelchair to get around outside within 5 months of this starting.

This happened before the Pain turned BLINDING and took the rest of my body away from me. Along with Severe Brain Fog, Visual Disturbances, Taste Changes, Memory Problems, Spacial Awareness Difficulties, and my hands and fingers becoming Very Clumsy & Unworkable, as well (I was always dexterous, with extremely capable Fine Motor Skills, accurate, a superlatively capable and fast typist, excellent at cross-stitching, even able to catch a ball and tie shoelaces at an age younger than most - all, especially the latter, Quite Unusual for an Autistic Person & Child). 

This was always absolutely more than Fibro.

I just wanted them to read the Blasted Thing then send off the Referral, and let THAT be THAT. I spent MONTHS compiling that stupid thing -- & It Has EVERYTHING In It. There is literally NOTHING More I could contribute to the information on there. Therefore, this "conversation" is basically entirely pointless... Unless it's to talk me OUT of it all, and to tell me to "Just Let It Go" and get on with shit.

This call was supposed to happen last Monday - but apparently she "wasn't coming into work". I also have NO IDEA Just Precisely WHEN she might be calling me. "After 12pm" isn't exactly Specific. One of their Drs once called past 8:00pm...(!!!???!!!)

For Last Week's Appointment, they had actually sent a text message with an actual appointment on it - 11:30am; this time? Not a bean.

The waiting is... Downright Terrifying. On Tenterhooks, having NO IDEA if or when that phone and my smartwatch are going to light up with the surgery's name, and I'll have to SOMEHOW(!!?!) be Immediately Be On The Ball and have an actual coherent conversation with whomever is on the other end of the phone.... Which Never Ever Happens. Well -- Unless it's for somebody else; then I'm as clearheaded as a Brita Filter. 

This Entire Scenario is straight out of the Autistic's Nightmare Handbook. Going There is Worse, though - so it's always got to be the best of two evils... Instead of something that is helpful, structured and easy to manage, for me to get the best out of the situation that I have been put into... Which is Talking to a Medical Professional About Me & What Is "Wrong" With Me. 

Speaking to Any Medical Professionals about myself... Brings a Nitrogen-Levels of Chills To Me. The Trauma is extensive, REAL, and alive. It Haunts My Every Day. Forces self-doubt, Impostor-Syndrome (how the HELL you can feel you can have that when you're really ill with it/from it, is beyond me, but it's really true that it happens)

I don't want to talk to yet another GP who's going to shoot me the fuck down and keep talking down to me, to convince me I'm either imagining things, being "Dramatic", or in some other way telling me there's basically Nothing Really Wrong and stop wasting my time.

I don't want to have to defend my ideas and suspicions like I'm in the Gods-Damned Dock of the Old Bailey.

I don't want some ASSHAT WANKSHITES telling me, and everyone who'll listen, I'm a Hypochondriac Freak. 

I've had to endure that pretty much All Of My Life since I was 12yo. I have NO Wish to basically have to undergo the same narrative 30 Years Later. 

And Right Now, Specifically In This Moment:

I don't want to have to try and make coherent sense when I am barely lucid (and that's fucking generous)... I've been having BlackOuts, struggling to stay conscious and awake, 

I don't want to have to talk to people about it, when I wrote a 40-page document/Dossier  — well, it was 39 after I changed the font, made the line spacing smaller and played with the margins.....

I have been through DAYS, A WEEK & MORE of TRAUMA & PTSD of a Different Kind, with what happened To Lolli, Thanks To The Ignorant ASSHATS at the District Nurses Office.

I didn't sleep AT ALL Last Night. I finally got a 1 1/2 hr nap between morning meds, and massages later on. I'm OVERWHELMINGLY FUCKING KNACKERED, DRAINED, EXHAUSTED Beyond ALL Reason.... Because I was freaking damn well TOO TERRIFIED OF THIS(!).

I AM glad I spend the night listening to Lindsey Stirling & Fan things on YouTube, instead of trying to Sleep and getting IMMENSELY more and more Distressed by Nightmares...