Aftermath

I'm no better but at least I don't seem to be any worse...? Spasms in legs went yesterday - now they're even more Useless than usual, and I can't do almost ANYTHING, because they're not back.

I have nothing but the very top part of me - as in the top of my shoulders, arms, hands (sort of) & fingers (... ish. Barely).

... I HATE it when this happens because I'm about as Broken as I get in This State - and there is absolutely NOTHING I can DO about it except wait and see IF it ever comes back.......

It's always the last saving grace, ironically... Causes a lot of problems of its own, but enables me to sort of "stand/lean/ balance) up on my knees for about 1-3 seconds and grounds the lower part of me, otherwise. When it's not there, I'm just 90% floppy crap.

Everything has now become 100,000 time harder. Without that anchor, trying to do anything with just my shoulders and up is crazy hard or impossible - the anchor means the rest of me isn't going to flying off or just floopy-flop onto the floor. Half the time I end up face-down because I obviously can't balance worth a shit - that's me holding myself up with one or both hands, so No Hands means faceplanting... and that's a Judgment Call.

I don't like being that Useless. I don't like being that Vulnerable. I don't like being this POINTLESS. I don't like feeling SO fucking FRIGHTENED... This Prison of "body" - whatever's freaking left of it -  feels like Just That. Nothing more than something rotten and broken, that my conscious mind and awareness is trapped in something UTTERLY USELESS & CONFINING, because there seems to be nothing I can DO now it's been reduced to little more than rubble.

Because it's not Just the Paralysis. It's the Bone-Deep, Stagnant, Overbearing & Overwhelming Drained Exhaustion that just feels like when you've given everything you can & "Just One More Step... and I'll fall down in a coma"... From the minute you wake up, until the minute to you eventually sort-of fall into a sudo-sleep at "night".

Which is maybe about 5am. If you're lucky.

The last few days has been PTSD, Trauma-based Trauma like I've been having to face SO Much -- WAY TOO FUCKING MUCH. I am so ABSOLUTELY BURNED OUT I am crispy-dead barbecued chicken wings that's black and crumbles into nothing when you touch them.