• Autistic
  • Fibromyalgia
  • Hemiplegic Migraine
  • C-PTSD
  • Wheelchaiar Whizzer

Drowning In Two Ways...

Published on 17 July 2023 at 14:35

Such Are The Complexities of Fibromyalgia - Incontinence, Pain, Fatigue, I also Aspirated a lot of coffee whilst trying to take Meds - just as I was starting to overcome a chest infection from that very same thing, too. Add That to having to deal with Autistic Burnout and Sensory Overload, it ALL adds up to a Bad Morning.

I Aspirated Again... Morning Meds -- AGAIN... A LOT -- AGAIN... (!!)... Came up like Vomit - It's HORRIFYING... PETRIFYING...?! I mean - it's DROWNING Myself In Coffee?? 

As soon as I'd done it I wasn't sure I was OK -- but the usual symptoms of feeling Heavy & Wrong weren't there.

I was Breathless, a little - so I took inhalers, which then made me start coughing up plain clear/white Asthma Gunk, which wasn't being cleared properly. Still wasn't breathing properly, outright rattling now.


I decided I had to be Brave, bite the Bullet, got fistfuls of kitchen roll (the hardcore type), and told Mam to Bang My Back Again. And Not To Stop

It Took A Lot Of HARD Fist Aid Back Slaps. More Gunk, choking on trying to get it out of my throat, feeling like I was trying to get vomit up, which I Hate so much I'm almost STILL Phobic of it (Bulimia cured me of actually being outright Phobic, but it Goes Right Through Me, still).

Eventually... It all pays off and I effectively Do Vomit It Up -- Right Out Of My Fucking Lungs... Like one of those scenes from movies when someone just nearly drowned in a body of water and they cough it all out...


I am Pissed and I am Petrified.

Just To Add MEGA Insult To LITERAL INJURY This Morning... When Dad came in to help me with coffee whilst Mam was at an Asthma check-up in the GP surgery, and I went to move to find My Damned LEG BAG Had LEAKED All Over The Bed....(!!!!!!).... Beneath Me. On Me. Over Me. On My Dress.... As If It Wasn't Bad Enough....(!!)


  • Had To Change My [Own] Leg Bag....
  • Struggle To Get Out Of Bed... 
  • Put Kitchen Roll [the Hardcore Type] Down On The Soaked Patch (Best Thing To Sort This Out - Proven By YEARS Of Experience, now).. 
  • Get Changed...
  • ALONE. 
  • First Thing In The Morning.



Can Literally Throw Away The Day Now. 

There Will Be Nothing More Coming From Me, today -- I have BEYOND Nothing More To Give. Mentally, Psychologically, Emotionally and UTTERLY, BEYOND FUCKING ABSOLUTELY PHYSICALLY WRECKED BEYOND MEASURE.

I Had Plans. Now, I Don't. That's Some Plain-N-Simple Spoon Maths. That Also Includes More ZoneOuts & BlackOuts

Anyone who doesn't understand the Toll Chronic Pain & Paresthesia + MASSIVE Fatigue has on Your Mind, You Body, Your Emotions, Your Self-Esteem, Your Confidence... YOUR VERY GODS-DAMNED SOUL... Has Literally No Idea About How DESCIMATING even THIS is to EVERY Single Part Of You & You're Life Existence. 


I am already in COMPLETE Autistic Burnout... AGAIN.

Sensory Overload isn't Just Bright Lights & Sounds -- it's the PAIN. The APPALLING, UNBESARABLE Sensations of "Fibroplegia" -- All The BUZZING & PRICKLING & LIGHTENING, POPPING CANDY of Paresthesia.

ALL Senses Are BOMBARDED until you want to nothing but Scream for all existence.


It's Actual, Literal Torture.

Probably good thing there's no more Tennis to be had now Wimbledon is over...

I'd have had to completely miss an entire day of it... Which is Devastating To Me. It's Just About The Only Part Of "Old" Me That I Have Left. 


Tennis & Wimbledon, along with Singing & Music, were the Threads that would always BIND All My Lives Together. From a Young Child, before The First Devastating Trauma. And It's There Long After Everything Else Has GONE & Vanished.


During That First Devastating Traumatic Era - It was a LIFELINE to me; a point in time to focus on when I was Desperately Suicidal, it was My Main Reason To Live & Survive Till Next Year" EVERY Year after it had Finished. For TEN YEARS.


After, when I went to London, I would watch every minute possible, even taking days off or sneaking earphones into my ears and putting it on to play on iPlayer whilst I was working (and made work a LOT easier to do!) after I changed career trajectory to IT. When I got established for my work, I didn't even need to hide it anymore, because they knew I did stuff anyway, and it was stuff no one else could -- "always let the crazy computer Goth do what she does best and let her just weave her magic" ...! [LOL]


When I got sick, I used it as my lifeline when I could no longer GO to work... And I have Done So Ever Since.


And Once Again, Full Circle... It's Become One Of My Major Reasons for Still Surviving.... To See Each Year Who Will Become King & Queen of Wimbledon.


Now there's a Brand New King in Crownstealer Carlos Alcaraz - and a Brand New Queen in Mega Newbie Marketa Vondrousova


There's No Way I'm Missing Shit Like That ;) 

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