It's the Same Thing, Every Day, now. Sheer Exhaustion, Hyper-Anxiety, BlackOuts & ZoneOuts, one of my parents - or both - creating Immense Panic Attacks that sometimes, often, rise towards Meltdowns from the levels of Distress they cause and how I am [not] helped out of them...
Too Many Blackouts/Seizure thingies.... then Nightmares all night again... There is NO REST to be had - - because "Sleep" Isn't "Sleep"...
I can't even Eat Properly... I'm just living on basic "finger food" type dinner and that's it. I honestly do not get to have anything else... Anything else has me Zoning Out or in Full BlackOut -- Very Very Quickly...
I tried to eat a burger. Yep, A Burger. TRIED. And It FLOORED ME For The Entire Night... I got One Bite, and that was It. After struggling with Just That, I soon Blacked Out for a good while. The rest of the night was a complete washout, too.
Not the first time something miniscule has utterly destroyed me.... Picking up fallen Meds For 5 minutes had me so wrecked I literally couldn't see and I was Absolutely Wrecked. General Symptoms Skyrocketed.
I'm literally left, shaking my head in Despair, wondering HOW THE HELL DID IT GET TO THIS...???
It leaves me with a lost, hollow,empty space inside me where my soul, Myself, used to be.... Just... Where Did I Go...???
I Have Never been This bad Before with this... Fibroplegia -- Not even at the worst of the Fibro. The only thing that made it even similar to this was when I had the Occocussess Blood Poisoning. My Body was definitely WRECKED then, obviously fighting something Horrible, Deadly. Since FND isn't actively trying to kill me... It Just Goes To Show The Extent That It's Been Flared Up.
And That's Seriously Not Good.
Just Seem To Be Deliriously Disassociated by now... Zombified, Shut-Down & Hyper-Exhausted... More then Overwhelmed now -- Outright Broken.
I Have Leli-"Depressed" type insides now... Overwrought & Overdone... Brain closed Off & Shut Down.
Hands are Severely Impacted... Trembling Badly.... HARD To Control - more like almost impossible... And Typing consists of about 90% hitting the DELETE/BACK buttons rather than actually writing stuff, and it's taking THREE-MILLION-TIMES MORE Time than normal -- and it's WAY HARDER than it needs to be.
Just Seem To Be Deliriously Disassociated by now... Zombified, Shut-Down & Hyper-Exhausted... More then Overwhelmed now -- Outright Broken. Leli-"Depressed" type insides now... Overwrought & Overdone... Brain closed Off & Shut Down.
Hands are Severely Impacted... Trembling Badly.... HARD To Control - more like almost impossible... And Typing consists of about 90% hitting the DELETE/BACK buttons rather than actually writing stuff, and it's taking THREE MILLION MORE time and WAY HARDER than it needs to be...
I get to DO NOTHING -- Not even anything that HELPS Me... It's STOPPING Me DOING ANYTHING I need to manage myself and GET BETTER... Well, or at least try...
I mean... Who wants to spend All Day, Every Day virtually in a Coma...? And since I am not, in fact, neither literally or medically Comatose -- I am at an utter loss as to why my ability to do even the Smallest Of Things has turned to dust...?
I MISS Doing Things. I Miss Playing Games. Doing Makeup. Dying My Hair. Brushing My Hair. I miss getting dressed and dressing up nicely for the fun of it.
Used to like doing a lot of things just for the fun on it.
I miss feeling like I've enjoyed myself and had fun doing something, or achieved something.
Without Those Things There IS NO CHILLAXING to be DONE...
But -- The Only Thing DONE is ME....
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