I'm So Hugely wound up and agitated, aggravated, skin irritated & prickly, sorely panicked and overwhelmed by being trapped and claustrophobic in my own self...
It's the knowing I'm never GOING To Get Better, that feels the worst - which is horrifyingly PETRIFYING; so much that it is Sickening to me.... But I also know it doesn't have to be Quite This Bad, either...
It doesn't matter what I do -- or even don't do -- these Days... It seems never enough to be At All Functional...
I drop tablets all the time -- it's entirely involuntary. My hand or fingers Just Give Way... Then Down it goes....
WHY is every small thing is a really big fight ....??!!???
Just... No matter WHAT I need, want to do, have to find... it's ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO DO, because it COSTS WAY WAY WAY TOO MANY SPOONS....
Too Fucking Tired to Eat My Own Dinner, even though it's SIMPLE, EASY, SMALL ... AND I've been Eating It In Bits Since About 7:30pm... And it's 4am now, and I just can't eat any more of it - I'm too Exhausted to manage it... It's Fucking RIDICUOUS.....
BlackOuts are Utterly UNCONTROLABLE Now... Unsurprising, given Stress Itself can cause "Dissociative / Functional Seizures" to happen More and Worse.
According to some of the information, if you're Busy thinking about things then it's harder for it to "overtake" your brain... So Basically, Hyper-fixation would do me the World Of Good, right about now. If it were Even A Damned Option...
The Nightmares... Are A Real Problem, too... And the Physical Effects are catastrophic.
20/5/23 @ 7:40am
Had a Nightmare So Bad it fucked up my Jaw & face Again ... And has Disturbed Me.... My Face is now killing me again — with that spasmed tendon making my face Scream....
Don't think I'll be going to sleep any time soon, now...
My fingers aren't playing ball trying to write this on phone. They're hardly working at all, aren't hitting the right keys and aren't being recognised properly by the screen.
They also feel like ... HEAVY, Enormous & hardened-leather-wrapped RUSTY sausages that I'm trying to manipulate.
It's... Disgusting, actually — going through me — and it's starting to scare me ....n🫣
Put the Tisserand Oils on again... And hope that & Meds will help kick its butt....
{C&P: Journey Journal}
I'm So Hugely wound up and agitated, aggravated, skin irritated & prickly, sorely panicked and overwhelmed by being trapped and claustrophobic in my own self...
It's the knowing I'm Never GOING To Get Better, that feels the worst - which is horrifyingly PETRIFYING; so much that it is Sickening to me.... But I also know it doesn't have to be Quite This Bad, either...
I keep getting into situations where I am so tired, or stressed or had BlackOuts with Nightmares... Then I find I Literally Can't Move & I Panic...
22/05/23 @ 1:451am
Can't move me, can't move chair, it's everything everywhere and I got less than zero puff now after Lolli flush... trying to get to bed and. I . JUST . CAN'T. DO. IT.... LITERALL CANNOT MANAGE ANY OF THIS... I PHYSICALLY CAN'T AND I AM MENTALLY HAVING A SCREAMING PANIC ATTACK IN MY H EAD....(!!!!!!!!!) I AM ABOUT TO FUCKING. LOSE. IT.
{C&P: Journey Journal}
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