Severe & Complex Fibromyalgia... Long COVID... Chronic Illnesses... Chronic Pain... They all have one VERY Debilitating thing in common -- Hyper-Fatigue. Chronic Exhaustion. Stiffness. Overwhelmingly Heavy & Drained Body.
The levels of Pure Hyper-Fatigue & Sheer and Utter Exhaustion I'm enduring... is literally not sustainable. Effectively not even really survivable. I literally cannot catch my breath from a conversation sometimes; but there's nothing wrong with my lungs. I just Do Not Have The Actual Puff... The Spoons or Energy... To Manage Something as simple as a Conversation sometimes, let alone anything else.
It's Tearing Me Apart Inside... Making Me Feel Desolate, Frightened, Frustrated, Sickened, Lost, Fretful, Panicking, Miserable & Internally Sobbing.
I Don't Just Feel Incapable Of Doing Things - I Literally Am. A Lot (too freaking much) of the time, I literally am Unable - Incapable - when it comes to being able to Move. My body Physically Cannot seem to manage it.
Some days are worse than others -- because some days I am barely more than a Statue, staring blankly at a wall or iPad.
It's Frustrating, Heartbreaking, Overwhelming... to realise there's things you can't do anymore that you could. Not Even That Long Ago, as in whilst in "Disabled Person" section of life, not just before. Even with Fibro, with "Fibroplegia", I was now actively managing things in a certain way.
Then. The Weather Comes Along And Makes It , 100,000 Times Worse - No Matter What Kind Of Weather it might be. And All Weather Comes With Isobars, and they complicate matters even further.
There are [very] Severe Consequences to this... And it's on Every Level - Physical, Psychological, Emotional, Cognitive.
At the end of it is the very fact I don't even get to Be A Person. Mostly, I feel like Just A Potato -- Unable to do or manage anything. Except sit here and... be.
Things Just Don't Get Done. When attempted, they tend to somehow go almost Dark-Humour-Comedy Wrong. In A Bad Way.
Unfortunately, though... There's A MASSIVE Amount of things that need to be done, focused on, managed, organised... You name it, something here needs it. The Sheer Amount Is Staggering, and more than enough to send me Spinning; Immediately Panicking & Too Overwhelmed To Even Consider Even Thinking About It.
And Lists? As Much As I Try To Make Them & Use Them... They Make Everything A THOUSAND & MORE Times WORSE. Oh, yeh.
No matter how you put them, they're mostly TOO OVERWHELMING . Demanding. Demeaning ("look what you haven't done, can't do, SHOULD BE ABLE To Do/Be Doing...."), Disturbing... They're not Challenging or Clarifying; they're Psychological Warfare.
I Would Usually Say I'm A Zombie - a rather bad one at that, because I at least have the ability to turn Oxygen into Carbon Dioxide. However. I'm not even any good at that now, so I'm back to being a Zombie who can't even breathe well or properly. Full-Level Zombification nearly complete then...
This is genuinely becoming a Bad Problem, though.
I talk to Lolli, or my Parents, and I can't really get my breath properly.
Even a short-ish conversation will leave me feeling like I'm halfway up Everest and struggling to breathe in the thinning air.
I am Literally getting out of breath from Exhaustion. Not Asthma. Exhaustion....
.... From a CONVERSATION...(!!!)🤷🏻♀️
And It's Can't-keep-my-eyes-open levels of exhaustion..... Like I got up REALLY early this morning and around 2am I'm still trying to stay awake kind of Tired....
Seriously This Long COVID is a living, waking Nightmare.
[STUPID. COVID.... STUPID....!!!]
Even Having To Start Taking My Inhalers Again To Manage Myself .... A lot of it is coming from air quality that's currently around from Hot & Thinning Air. I'm generally getting around 94%-96% SPO² - which isn't terrible, but it's not my usual 99-100% Norm, even without the inhalers, if I'm just home, in my Spot doing Not Much...
Too too TOO EXHAUSTED... DONE. IN...
JUST A CONVERSATION FLOORS ME NOW... (?!!?)
... How is this level of UTTER UNREPENTANT FATIGUE even Sustainable??
It completely does not help that the fact is that I CANNOT chance a Nap or Rest... Lest I Get Hammered By Hell Itself, Scraping Its Way Into My Brain - Systematically & Chaotically Destroying It. The Nightmares, Night-Terrors, Hallucinations... Whichever one turns up... Wrecks my brain, destabilises and pulverises my mind with horrors or seriously freaky, creepy, disturbing real-life-style Vivid crap that is absolutely 1000% more Real than, well, Real Life...
Bottom Line Is There Is NO Peace I Can Steal... If I Do Try, it Backfires Something Rotten.
I mean -- In All Honestly....? I'm fighting Serious Su*cide Ideation all over again. Because... Well. What IS The POINT Now...?? I'm Room-Bound, if not Bed-Bound, unable to move much at all, constantly fighting BlackOuts and Lucidity, let alone tying to do anything with myself that's actually worthwhile -- or even Mildly Entertaining.
Everything I try and do is dismantled or buggered in minutes, sometimes, by [what seems like] Circumstance.
Every Time I Reach A Plateau, The Rug Is Pulled Out From Under Me -- AGAIN & AGAIN & AGAIN... and the Rules Change: I get worse, or my condition changes, or even deteriorates even further.
EVERY. Single. Time.
...& YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S SOUL-DESTROYING
This time... The Bone-Breaking Exhaustion is the Change. And it's the Most Unbearable One So Far Out Of Them ALL...
And given how MUCH PAIN I was in when Fibro REALLY went off on one about 2 years in....That's Saying Something...(!)
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