Bathroom Breaks

Instead of managing to do something useful or something fun... or simply just Resting... Off I had to go again -- somehow -- to the Bathroom. The place of Nightmares for me. 

You'd even think that after... crap -- FIVE Years -- I'd be Used To the bathroom being an Absolute Nightmarish Experience... Right?

I'm not even going to Go There and calculate how many days there are in Five Years... but it's a Lot Of Days. That means on, well, a majority of them (maybe?), I've had to Experience Going To The Bathroom. Each Time... Was SO NOT worth my time...

Each and every one of those times... Is A Nightmare. For Reals. Serious as a Heart Attack Nightmare.

I literally HATE It.

It started [to be like this] when I was Hospitalised for the Sepsis, January-March 2018. The [very serious] Blood Poisoning came from a massive infection in my bowel. To this day, I do not actually know what actual State it left my bowl in -- nobody has actually looked. So who knows what state it's in or what it's like in there...? And given how bad it is to go to the bathroom, I can't imagine it's been left in a very good condition. And in the Five Years hence, it hasn't even changed or got better -- only just slightly better than when I first started recovering, after not going to the bathroom for the First 6 Days I was in the hospital and everything was just starting up again, and it was absolutely Abominable. 

This was when I first got absolutely paralyzed, Before I had some Tiny Tiny Tiny amount of ability in my lower half. But. After I got to moving around, a week or two after being taken into Hospital (it took that long to get to even that stage of Recovery), I realised everything below my chest was D.E.A.D. To. Me. ... And I couldn't move my bowls properly anymore.

But whatever was happening... was AGONIZNGLY PAINFUL whenever my body at least Tried to Go. And it took up to an hour and a half, because there was No Peristalsis Anymore. Or very little of it, if there was any -- and if there was, I couldn't tell.

It's actually -- Quite Literally -- one of the Hardest Things I actually have to do. It's By FAR One of THE Most Exhausting Things I Have To Do, other than have my Catheter Changed downstairs. It Destroys My Ability To Function, Thereafter.

It's No Easy Task for me manage. It is SO Far Away From 1so, Easy - or even Simple; instead it is Draining, Exhausting, Demeaning... There is no Dignity or Self-Worth in how this is done. I have to Crawl/Drag myself there. Lift myself UP from the floor, onto the toilet itself - and then at the end, I'll have to somehow lower myself carefully back down to the floor again. Then Crawl/Drag Self All The Way Back.

Even  a few hours later, after managing to struggle back, I'm Zoning Out and struggling to manage Just About Anything.

It's Painful. Things don't come out properly -- there is only Gravity to do the work for me once I'm there, mainly... Anything you're supposed to have help, I Do Not Have.  It therefore Takes AGES; my average time is around the 1 hour mark. It's often longer. Unfortunately, the general time it ends up happening is anywhere between 11pm and 2am. This means that there IS NO "Afterwards". That once I am Done & Back, I have No More To Give, To Use.

I'd wanted to try and play more Mass Effect [PC Game]; But all Wants are dashed the second the PAIN and Sensations of the Bowel Movements become too horrendous to cope with.

What Must Happen at that point supersedes all else after that point. 

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