FUCKING HATE TODAY… NOTHING BUT CRUSHED-BONE FEELS, BLACKOUTS UPON BLACKOUTS AND HORRIBLE UPSIDE DOWN FEELS!
Everything Just Feels So Dark... Disturbed & Disturbing... Still -- yet Brewing Ugly beneath it... Foreboding. It's HORRIBLE...
I am SO FUCKING ILL it's RIDICULOUS... AUTISTIC BURNOUT IS KICKING MY ASS AND IS SO OVERWHELMING!!!!
It's HARD to do... ANYTHING... when your world is SPINNING & BLURRING from Vestibular Migraine & your hands and fingers are WEAK & SHAKING -- BADLY.
ALL you want to do is SLEEP... But There Is No Chance Of That, It Seems... I have awful Nightmares or Night Terrors, which are NOT Conducive to REST.
I'm so done in, I HALLUCINATE, Visual & Auditory. Not [just] when I'm asleep or in BlackOut -- When I'm Awake.
Sometimes -- too often -- can't even take Coffee to help with staving off Exhaustion, and to help focus on doing... SOMETHING... And There's SO Many Things we NEED To Do. But We Simply Can't Manage ANY Of Them.
As well as this -- The BlackOuts are UNBEARABLE... Last Night It Absolutely Landed Me In A World Of Difficulty and a REALLY Horrid Experience...
This Morning...
Haven't slept since Mam came to save me from the floor at 6am this morning... I'd Blacked Out – over and over again since 3am, after dutifully shutting SIMS down on the PC about 10 minutes earlier, and getting ready to go to bed...
Every time I'd come round from it I'd try to–OK, FORCE myself through an ABUNDENT of BLINDING AGONY to -- get myself up and try to get myself into the bed... Only to pass out a minute or two later from EXHAUSTION & PAIN... AGAIN...
This happened about Three Times... Then Just before 6am I came round again and tried to manage the same thing. It didn't work. Not this time.
I braced my mind for the ONSLAUGHT OF BLINDING AGONY that it would require to live through to get up –but NOTHING... I LITERALLY COULD NOT MOVE.****
My Pelvis and lower spine had SPASMED SOLID and there was no way in All Twelve Circle of Hells I was getting up on my own.
Mam was going to work, so she would have been up from about 5:30am–so after a few minutes of utter PANIC I realised I could text her to help me...
She came and did manage to help me up–but it required SEVERAL MINUTES of Massage with Tisserand TOTAL DE-STRESS massage oils to finally get my body to move AT ALL... AND it STILL required Surviving UTTER BLINDING AGONY to Move, even after THAT... But at least I DID GET MOVED...
Had a small nap till meds - but then I've been awake ever since... Just Can't Catch A Break..
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