Chronic Pain, Chronic Illnesses, Disabilities... Their Absolute Domnination over your life - every single part of your exiostence - Completely, irrevicably, constantly destroy my Autistic Brain every single moment of every single day. I once thought living in an NT world whilst masking to avoid as much "Detection" [of the Bullyable Strange] was the hardest world to manage to live in.
I was Very Very Wrong.
It's the one of Exceptionally Debilitating Pain, Physically-Destroying Chronic Illnesses & Medical Conditions, Disabilities that render you in an absolutely Helpless and Hopeless Pit Of Hellish Despair, of Medical Practitioners who either Do Not Care -- or worse; who are condescending, patrinising, over-controlling and refusing to just listen... Or even treat you like a Human Being.
Managing in the NT World, Masking is self-forced to survive their strange ways, brutal social politics, and to prevent being singled out in the Worst Possible Ways.
But with Chronic Pain, Chronic Illnesses & Hidden/Undiagnosed Medical Conditions... It's Forced Upon You.
Go Away, you're not really ill. You can't have more/different medications/pain killers because you're on 'enough' [so Deal With It -- unsaid, but CLEAR].
We can't find anything wrong with you, it's probably/obviously 'just stress'.
I'm sure you can do more, you just need to try harder -- You're Not THAT Disabled!
... And So On.
Each Time... You Are Forced To Mask It. Basically, For Other People's Sakes --- Because they don't want to look, to acknowledge, to see, to accept, to know it's ALL REAL and WORSE than What they THINK they know... You Mask. You Push -- Then Push HARDER.
You Make It WORSE -- and the Masking Intensifies. You are left having to go to work/go out/speak to people/Do Things You Can't Really Afford To Even Think About, Let Alone Do Them...
And Obviously, you can't show it. Showing such "weakness" after you've been told it's 'just stress" or it's basically "in your head", simply invites even more scrutiny, bullying, belittling, and dehuimanization.
For me... That's At Home. There is NO POINT Showing How Much PAIN I Am In, How Things are TOO DIOFFICULT Are To Mamage. That I'm Stressed & Distressed, or Scared. It's watered down, ignored, pushed aside, unheard.
Bottom line, is people do NOT get it until they are HERE themselves.
So... By Now -- I'm not OK. I can't settle. Still SO Agitated and cannot sleep nor manage to be relaxed. I can't get better. I can't be better. In a perpetual state of MEGA FIBRO FLAREUP and NO apparent way to STOP it ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
I'm getting FAR BEYOND my tether now. I'm about to go into the screaming, meltdown crying phase of utter despair and desperation within days at this rate, if the pressure cooker doesn't ease off -- The most dangerous part of everything that I DO NOT want 😫 ... and I'm trying SO GODDAMNED HARD but I'm on an escalator going down and NO switch to change it... 🫣
This is getting gruelling it's beyond everything... This is not even about survival anymore, because I don't want to "Survive it. Not when it's like this, no matter WHAT I do ðŸ˜
....... I cant keep these nights up ðŸ˜ðŸ«£ ... Where I am up all night -- night after night, after night -- after blacking out and coming round before having to take Night Meds and hour or two late because ot it... Then, I'm VERY Wired, Agitated, Distressed, Overwhelmed -- Over-Exhausted yet FAR TOO Hyperanxious & Frustrated by MAJOR Sensory Overload & Processing Overwhelm to calm down even a little bit.
.... And then, when they do hit me -- and constantly , The BlackOuts come with Devestating & VIVID "Night Terrors"/Hallucinations, too. They Traumatise Me immensely, but I never quite Remember what they were like once I am awake... But The Absolute TERROR Always Remains.
And then there are the days where there is NO END in sight for HELL ITSELF. I KNOW what I WANT to do. But there seems to be nothing I can do to get them..... ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ My body is being kept broken. And then it gets broken more.
I'm climbing the WALLS because I literally CANNOT MOVE. I am angry & frustrated when I watch the time, the days, weeks, months and YEARS go by with me doing NOTHING except Struggling to Simply SURVIVE with NOT even the BARE MINIMUM of 'life' gets thrown in. Where Blinding PAIN, DEEP Psychological Warefare of CPTSD Trauma, and A Body that Refuses To Move -- or manage to DO Anything (and feels like it's been encased in Concrete and Titanium
-- Discates EVERYTHING About My Existence, even before you throw in what other people do (or don't) manage.
I don't want more meltdowns. But I'm about to have one, even now in frustration. 😠In anger. In TERROR. In fury. In absolute gutwrenching despair....
Because there's just nowhere for all of it to go and it's beyond too much. I've gone so far past "can't deal" and taking it anyway, that I'm not going to break or shatter I'm going to fragment into ash itself.
Eventually, it won't be about the one I'm "Struggling To Survive"... It's Going To Be "The One That I Hope Finally Takes Me".
And I HATE THAT.
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