Too Overwhelmed. OTT.... EVERYTHING. EVER. That's what it feels like. And the CHAOS, the Terrifying CHAOS... The OVERWHELMING amount of things that need to be DONE...
Overwhelmed by Severe Autistic Burnout.... AGAIN. By Fibromyalgia's Agonising Pain. By ALL the Symptoms and Physical Effects that make me think about FND - The BlackOuts being the Worst of them by far, I think...
Unable to eat and having to face the fact my Eating Disorder is coming back, because I can't and don't eat. Because between Stress and Dysphagia...
There's no fighting it anymore; I just don't have the strength or fight to save myself from it now...
The LANDFILL is BEYOND Imagination Again... It's a TERRIFYING MOUNTAIN and it makes me want to SOB & SCREAM .... I have done EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to STOP IT- but still it MARCHES ON towards Unimaginable CHAOTIC ANNHILATION OF MESS....
Just. Like. Me.
AND I CAN'T GET AT ANYTHING OR EVER DO ANYTHING THAT I WANT TO DO WITHOUT HAVING TO FIGHT SERIOUSLY HARD WITH IT, first...
MENTAL HEALTH
Trauma PTSD from that DICKHEAD IDIOT that came last Thursday... Keeps going ROUND in my head and DOES NOT STOP.
The Images. sounds; the voices, the words, the tones.... All playing like a video loop in full 4KUHD.
He was the one I'd trusted... Like a moron - NONE of Them Are Trustworthy(!)... No one in Mental Health is a person who SHOULD be actually IN Mental Health. They haven't a fucking CLUE. And That makes them SO SO SO...DANGEROUS. I am STILL Not Dealing with what THAT BITCH did to me before I got deathly ill and ended up in hospital, and it was SEVEN YEARS Ago... And. Now. THIS...
I feel sick just thinking about it... About him, now. About it ALL. The Bile inside makes my back and spine feel like there's Ice Water being poured down & over it.
HOW can you be a CPN and NOT CARE about an vulnerable client's Mental Health - and WHAT IS CAUSING IT?? HOW can a "CPN" ONLY be interested in a "Foundation to build on" -- when it's SUPPOSED TO BE THEIR JOB TO HELP YOU BUILD THE DAMNED THING??
I mean - Seriously... If you can SUPPLY it, then you don't fucking even NEED them - Full. Stop.
HOW can a CPN ask you what is The Most Prominant thing that is holding you back,and when told it is CPTSD [and more PTSD on top of that], they more than once say -- "I'm not going to go into that"....??
Well, I can understand perhaps not wanting to rehash it and bring back painful memories, or whatever ... But to nevr even ASK -- "How does that affect youn now?" or " What impact has that made on [something]/"Everything.".. Or even -- "How is it stopping you do what you want to do?".... Is Asbolute BOLLOCKS.
It's SO Relevent, it's THE Thing Destroying my current existence... But he's going to Ignore It and expect me to be OK enough to plan a future with it hanging over my head, and keeping me trapped in Suicidal Ideation that is SO Prominant, Real & Threatening that I actively keep all possbily harmful things FAR Away from me, or even disallowed in the Room completely...??
Surely, they should at least be working out with me just how to get it to STOP destroying my current life with a STRANGLEHOLD Over Me SO Hard, that, Right Now, I can't move on or past it At ALL...???
He has left me feeling so...Chaotic, Empty & Hollow... Spun around & punched in the guts from Absolutely Nowhere... So IRRELVENT. So BELITTLED. So DISMISSED... Like my own Self, my own Life, my own Story... Literally Means NOTHING. He was SUPPOSED TO HELP... And Just Went Ahead & Made It SO. MUCH .WORSE. Stripped another small part of me away within a 10 minute JOKE of a visit.
Ironically... He has now himself become a PART of it. A Horrifying, Seamless, Unwarrented & Unwanted PART of the Entire Think.
Also Ironically? I have no fucking intetest in anything he has to say, any New Insights from that position, or anywhere, anymore.
Another "Professional" "Specialist" who threw me under a bus and expected me to somehow Be OK. Who threw me to the Wolves and have them TEAR into MY VERY SOUL.
There will be NO MORE.
Food
No food yesterday – AGAIN – except a pasta bowl in the afternoon about 4pm... and pork pie pastry around 12am or so. Maybe a couple of donuts and half a chocolate bar.
The Demon is Winning. I hate it when he's winning - and I am TOO POWERLESS & EXHAUSTED to STOP It Doing So...
Unable to eat much – or anything... There's Just Empty Nausea, or Outright Not Hungry. Usually, I don't think of it, or simply Do Not Remember.
Overcoming this takes FAR too much WORK and EFFORT - things I don't even HAVE, let alone ever AFFORD to give.
NEARLY TWENTY YEARS OF HARD FUCKING WORK, DOWN THE GODS-DAMNED DRAIN NOW.
BLACKOUTS
BlackOuts are Up To SEVERAL LTimes Per Day, now.... From minutes to an Hour or More. ZoneOuts Often with Vivid Hallucinations and Big BlackOuts have Vivid Nightmares. All are SO REAL. REALISTIC, that I just simply have NO IDEA Where I am, Who I am, What is going on, when I - Eventually - come round.
Often Just Simply Come Round from BlackOuts to one of the Lexi Alams, playing Songs for Meds Alarms.... EVERYWHERE ALWAYS Just... BUZZING BADLY- Teeth are the WORST, TORMENTING Ice-Cold feel to go with it all.... Teeth CLAMPED Down HARd..,... WAS somewhere btween reading FanFic on Peppermint tablet and music on Dad's MacBook Pro.....
Either way, I usually end up SLAMMED backwards against the floor - or if I'm luky maybe a pillow... When BlackOuts coming in a NANOSECOND and I SLAM down backwards,unconscious, like a marionett that's had all its strings cut a ofe
Even if there IS a pillow on the "Floor" (ish) behind me.... STILL FUCKING HURTS., and nearly SCREAMED with MINDBLOWING PAIN at being down and having to get the fuck back UP again... Not that I was comfortable in ANY way shape or form, and had to end up struggling up despite the actual litral Screaming AGONY it ALWAYS Causes. Pillow or not.
Parasthesia is BAD.... VIBRATING & BUZZING BUKETLOADS EVERYWHERE...... fIngers trembling SO OSO BADLY... cAN BARELY CONTROL THENM... TWITCHING REALLY BADLY, etting worse and worse - making playing Andromeda REALLY HARD - enough to being convinced to stop play and put the game away until tomorrow...
BACK is NEEDING to be stretched out SO BAD and it HURTS a shit load enough to be breathles with it.......
Ear is sTILL WRECKED from being BLOCKED by stuff that appears only with Fibro FlareUps....It's really horrible... It's been about a week now, and it's still there, still hasn't gone...
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