I'm UTTERLY EXHAUSTED and in PAIN... My hair is MATTED & CLUMPED together, and sticky and STINKS after lung-vomiting/vomiting all over everywhere and everything up through the night, upto about 4am....
Had a MEGA Bad Night. Didn't manage to get into bed till after 4am and no sleep till 4.30am.
DYSPHAGIA IS A BITCH & SCREWING WITH MY BODY AND MY MIND
I had Aspirated a LOT of water... and I was Coughing Up that water back, over & over ... over the course of Two Hours... And it went all over me -- Over my bed, my skirt, my face, my hair...
DYSPHAGIA IS A BITCH & SCREWING WITH MY BODY AND MY MIND.
It's horrible. 🤦🏻♀️
It was BAD... PAINFUL... And Frightening.
It started at 2:30am... and I coughed up Two Handfuls of fluid into the kitchen roll in my hands after countless backslaps. Some while later... Things got even worse... I couldn't breathe properly; struggling to breathe whilst doing some basic moving around with things...
Then, eventually, I tried getting into bed -- but it was now So Clear that something hadn't been right whilst I was trying to move around... So, I took my inhalors to see if it would trigger more coughing -- and it did...
Two MORE Handfuls of fluid came out -- I think some came from my stomach in the end, but I could feel it being pushed out of my lungsand my chest, and eventually, I could BREATHE after it was all finished...
BUT that was at 4am by now.... and I was WRECKED.
I passed out from Exhaustion after that, at about 4:30am...
FROM JOURNAL ... 03:19AM
i am FUCKING DONE .... I am EXHAUSTED -- Chucked out a LAKE of water from me (!!!!!), I STILL can't breathe properly -- and it's 3am and I am PUSHING AND SHOVING AND MOVING HEAVY THINGS AROUND, KILLING MY BACK AND MY LUNGS!!
THIS ROOM IS A FUCKING NIGHTMARE......
I CAN'T FIND ANYTHING I NEED AND THERE IS NOWHERE TO PUT THINGS OUT OF THE WAY TO GET IN TO BED -- OR ANY WAY TO GET INTO THE BED!!!!
Such a fucking GREAT way to spend the night before HAVING TO GO OUT TO THE FUCKING HOSPITAL TOMORROW - GONA GET SOME SHITTY REST AND ZERO SLEEP AGAIN....
THIS HAS TO STOP!!!! 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
This morning I'm Just As Wrecked... I am in PAIN... My Entire Being is just BUZZING BADLY... I'm Overwhelmed and Scared. I'm TOO EXHAUSTED to keep my eyes open and I keep Zoning Out.
I Basically Just Feel ILL.
And that NOTHING IS OK...
I haven't drunk properly in in WEEKS -- but over the last few days I've drunk vitually nothing at all... Then yesterd my ay, my Catheter blocked again. Mam had to change it (fortunately a Retired Nurse with 50 years experience)... and it was the Second Emergency Change in a ROW, which has NEVER happened before, since I got the Suprapubic put in.
...Even before, when the Urethral One was being a complete asshat, it NEVER Did THAT.
This started because of Dysphagia. Dysphagia that's gone downhill so rapidly recently, that I've ended up struggling to consume food or water without MAJOR Ramifications of Aspirating. Up to 20 or 30 minutes of back-slaps to help get it all back up and out again from my lungs. If I don't get it all up and do it right... I end up with Chest Infections. It's Exhausting And Terrifying..
After two or three days of drinking either literally nothing, or close to nothing... I tried Drinking again, because I didn't want another blocked catheter. I drank too much, I'm sure, but I did my best to make it go down the "Right" way... Somehow, it didn't work, and -- as you see -- a seriously BAD NIGHT happened.
It is ANY WONDER I have literally ZERO Interest in even TRYING to drink...??! Even then, I'm down to drinkig Just Water, because I can't manage Coffee at all... And I SERIOUSLY MISS drinking coffee. Either way, when this happens, NONE of it gets INTO my system, anyway. Either it's in my lungs or getting coughed up into Kitchen Roll or a Vomit Bag. All in all, generally a waste of my time and efforts.
I feel like absolute shit & WRECKED But it doesn't matter because somehow we STILL have to manage going to the Gods-Damn Hospital for Lolli's bowel doctor appointment Today, later this afternoon...
At least it's not until 4:10pm... but then that also technically means we are coming back at Stupid O'Clock as well and that's not OK, either... It's about a 40 minute drive away. In Good Traffic.
Can't WIN either way.
The time also doesn't make a difference to the sheer Difficulty of literally Getting Dressed. Then I've also GOT to DO somthing with hair because I lung-vomited/vomited all over it. And Yet -- Who the hell's got the Spoons or Sheer Will Powr to manag all of that without Blacking Out and being UNABLE to even remain conscious, let alone leave the Room...? -- and say goodbye to ever leaving the damned house. And on the zero sleep or rest I've had, and how ill and wrecked I feel right now -- I can't see me being able to do much of anything without blacking out.
It's also REALLY COLD... Isobars are still on the RollerCoaster... The Temperature is into the Minuses now -- whatever Cold Blast the weather people were going on about has well and truly been Dumped all over us. I really do not want to go out there either, in this.
... At 4:10pm it's going to be Dark & Cold -- and whenever we come out, it's going to be Darker & Colder.
Then having to come all the way home, get out of the car and down to the house... Then get ourselves back upstairs and settled down again... is going to take More Than I've Really Got... Which means Back To Burnout, inevitably. Not to mention I'm going to have Zero Chance at eating a semi-decent dinner, too.
None of it is good...
Add comment
Comments