If you're going to be Autistic, don't have a family that will automatically Blame You For Everything. That will tell everyone to Kingdom Come that you're "trouble", "broken", "problematic" and/or "have issues"...
And definitely make sure your five-year-old baby sister isn't indoctrinated into believing you are a sadistic, selfish, control freak, who is abusive, controlling, evil person by your Parents, because that's all they can see... When you are, in fact, a Traumatised, Suicidal 12-year-old Child, being Tormented, Abused, Bullied, Vilified & Psychologically Tortured by School AND Family at the Same Time.... A Child who is also Autistic and who will never know that for another 21 YEARS.
Have only JUST been able to move for the first time since about 7pm, now.... Been violated by my own sister - vilified in vile, abusive, demeaning, accusational messages... Because Mam was late for a "dinner" she wasn't aware of she was supposed to be "at" - or even by a certain time.
Because Mam had left her phone in the car when we got out... She wasn't able to get hold of her... And she absolultely RAILED. ON. ME.
She accused me of VILE things... Accusing me of Effectively & Deliberately Preventing Mam from leaving... Which is damned Sick in and of itself.
She had CLEARLY managed to convince herself of the delusion I was "controlling" and keeping Mam from coming to her, calling me nothing but a controlling, coersive, abusive, selfish person... And telling me I couldn't "use my condition" [meaning being Autistic] as an "excuse" for such "behaviour"...
She didn't even ASK what's going on. Didn't even call to ask to speak to Mam to grain clarification on the situation, like a reasonable human being would. Just BURST in with Vile words and accusations from nowhere - out of the blue and DEFINITLY AT THE WRONG TIME.
Then told me she was done with me. I'd done nothing - had a fucking HARD day and was in a shitload of pain already, had only JUST got back to the Hotel, and busy lung vomiting after aspirating pudding from taking Meds , when she sent her messages. I was sick to my stomach and just could do nothing else but just beg her to Leave Me Alone.... She did nothing of the kind and kept on ranting. Even though I'd done nothing all day put wreck myself taking my best friend to the hospital for a VERY Scary, overwhelming, complicated appointment.
She didn't give me a chance to just let her know what was going on, and why.... Because today was a fucking MARATHON. Didn't even get back to the hotel until just about 7pm -- and we LEFT at 12:30pm. She had no concerns for my welfare or Lolli's, even after explaining I'd aspirated when taking my meds.
Cruel. Callus. Malicious. Sociopathic.
IF Mam had actually told her what was going on after... IF.... There's no way she'd be a decent human being and actually apologise.
I SOBBED. After ALL that had gone on today - after being through the past few days of this... And the HEARTBREAK of being called all those HORRIBLE things.... I SOBBED. Cried for HOURS. The Pain, the Grief, the Loss, The Trauma.... CPTSD manifesting in the world in front of my eyes, once again - the past that WILL NEVER allow me to LEAVE IT THE FUCK BEHIND and MOVE THE FUCK ON.
For a sister that I looked after as a baby, who was taught to hate me when I was still a young child. And that sister never grew out of that hatred or seething irrational anger about her.
For a sister I never had. A Stranger Who Hate Me, who shares some DNA. A stranger who doesn't understand compassion, mercy or care.
TODAY
We didn't have the Pudding to take my meds with - and only found out about 5:30pm when Mam made it to the Drop Off Point. We managed to get into the car and settled, then found it wasn't even in the car. So we had to drive back to the hotel... Get out the Q-Park and walk to the hotel, which took a while because Lolli could barely walk a few steps before having to rest by now.
By the time we got to the hotel it was about 6:40pm or so - over an hour late for my Pregabalin - THE most Vital Medication of the ENTIRE Lot. Lolli had gto sit in a chair by the reception and requested that we had meds there - Mam went to get the pudding.
I tried taking them three times before I managed it, but my breath was wrong, and it WENT WRONG... I ended up Aspirating the pudding. Had to struggle to the Room from there, so I could GET. IT. OUT... Because didn't have anything with me right then - plus the echoing of the reception area was AWFUL, so coughing and wretching pudding - and possibly meds - out of my lungs, was going to be OBSCENELY Deafening.
As I was coughing it up..... Trying to get this STUFF OUT OF MY LUNGS....
That's When The Vile Torrent came from nowhere - unprovoked, unhinged, accusatory, demeaning, vilifying...
So... After that.... And the Lung-Vomiting... And The Heartbroken Meltown... I've only just been able to move a little bit. It's been HOURS. I can't think straight. I'm TMI'd Out. Can't move fingers well. Can't think straight. Too Exhausted. Still in MEGA PAIN. Dizzy and can't see straight.
Won't be able to eat like this. Or drink.
Scared of taking meds again, now.
Already this trip is a complete disaster, and it just seems to be getting Worse & Worse...
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