This morning has been UTTERLY AWFUL - COLD, BEING ILL, FIBRO-FLAREUP, MEGA BURNOUT SINKING RIGHT INTO MY SOUL AND MY BONES, PARESTHESIA... JUST ANOTHER HORRIBLE DAY OF HELL....
Tena Pants a stinking, Torn, Ripped, MESS literally falling apart in disgusting clumps from beneath me... Having to sit on an Inco because I so far STILL have not been able to change the damned thing.... Because I cannot move (literally -- my body is siezed up to the point even breathing is too hard) and the AGONY of PAIN is Too Much To Endure, regardless of anything else.
This is my CONSTANT REALITY -- Basic Human, Humane, Needs... Basic Daily Care... Squandered for the sake of either remaining conscious --- because managing anything more than being still and using mobile tech or laptops CAREFULLY Causes AGONY So Awful, I can no longer remain conscious -- or for doing something better for my own Mental Health & Wellbeing.
I HATE being in this situation - it's Sick & Nasty... To Be THIS Debilitated - Disabled - to the point I Cannot MOVE or BE Moved... to be Quite Literally LOCKED INTO an Unmovable body that is like GRANITE, to have such UNIMAGINABLE AGONY that even I cannot fathom it -- even whilst Experiencing & Enduring it.... It Is Too Overwhelming to even think about. IT PETRIFIES ME. I cannot process it, think about it, acustom myself to it. There is NO WAY of truly processing this, not without DIRE Mental Health Concequences - and possibly/probably Unable To Survive It. I've already come Very Close on numerous ocasions now.
The ONLY Way I can COPE, to live/exist/edure, is to simply IGNORE IT and Just BE It. To Endure It Without Thinking About it. In those times I cannot do that - I want to physically vomit my guts inside out and take a fucking gun to my head. Who CAN or WANTS TO.... DEAL... With THAT????
The CONTROL that Fibro/Fibroplegia has on me is A HORRIFIC NIGHTMARE that does NOT get ANY Better with time. I CANNOT get used to being like this - I NEVER, EVER CONSENTED TO BE LIKE THIS --- It was FORCED UPON ME, and now I have NO CHOICE but to simply CARRY ON - but without EVER really stopping to consider it, or even think about it.
Have to get started again on getting things ready to go away on FRIDAY. In THREE. FUCKING. DAYS....
I Am Quite Nearly In FULL Burnout, now - it's SO. FUCKING. CLOSE. It's TERRIFYING...
Been trying to calm and quiet mind with FanFic... It tends to work relatively well; switches my mind Right Off & Away from ... Out there. ...
....Everyone else's "Reality"...
Don't say I'm out of touch
In this rampant chaos - your reality
I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge --
The Nightmare I built my own world to escape....
--> Imaginary - Evanescence.
I am PETRIFIED OF ALL THIS.... And I am STUCK on this fucking Runaway Train until it finally, somehow, comes to some kind of an inevitably Horrible, Crashing Stop......
Isobars Shooting Up only to CRASH RIGHT DOWN... And Almost Just As Quickly Climb Back Up Again... And the weather is all over the place, including gale-force winds, hailstones, and Sodding SNOW... (GAAAHHH...!!!!)
At One Point it was suddenly 985mb - AND STILL DROPPING -- Ending Down To 977mb ... And then it Shot Right Back UP again to 1003mb within about TWENTY-FOUR HOURS.
Also it being -5⁰C Real Feel DOES NOT make it bearable, either. Heater is On in here, but I still feel cold.
Spasms and trembling-y buzzing happening in torso & shoulders... Hands are trembling & twitching, then flying off with sudden, brash jerky movements that Hurt...
ALWAYS Causing BAD BUZZING through back & Ribs & shoulders... Sandpaper, burning acid; and I can't really open my eyes, and even with just the one eye open it is Excruciatingly PAINFUL...
All the time, 24/7, there is A MASSIVE BUZZING ALL OVER THE PLACE, ALL OVER WHATEVER I AM CAPABLE OF FEELING ANYMORE... Can hardly breathe -- even LESS than before, when the Isobars Are In RollerCoaster Mode and the Weather is like THIS, Not To Mention it Being SO FUCKING COLD....
ALSO... I have to Endure the Clusterfuck TRAINWRECK of HELL
that are the HORRIBLE MAJOR. MASSIVE BLACKOUTS --
WHich are as Inevitable as they are AWFUL.
I am almost Always Never Aware of actually becoming Unconscious... BUT I am Always Experiencing Coming Round after some kind ofMAJOR BlackOut..... And I. DREAD. Each. Gods-Damned. One. Of. Them...
Like The Last time ... Just -- found myself the wrong way round - and there I was on my side, NOT typing away on my T-18.... anymore, whatsoever.
Didn't even know that anything was even wrong - well, before opening eyes to things being on the side.... Because I'd fallen sideways onto the bed, and been there for A WHILE - Most Assuredly more than Half An Hour -- and my back was SO PAINFUL that I SCREAMED out the PAIN when I ended up Forcing Myself Back Up To Sitting Again...
Almost enough to make me Black Out Again...
Experiencing and Enduring THAT MUCH PAIN.... Is enough to make my eyesight go Squiggly Blurry wth BIG Dancing White Spots, from a few seconds, to up to a few minutes. It's Nauseating, Dizzifying, INTENSE.
Sometimes, it's More Often than NOT, that I Black Out ALL DAY. On & Off Cycling... In & out of Conciousness and Lucidity... It's HORRFIC, Unnerving and Scary As Hell to experience.
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