My hands and fingers have Bad, Worse, or Impossibly Vibrating Tremor, as well as very little dexterity or mobility --meaning for the most part they're generally useless for most of the important things in life.

The most complicated thing I can do is TouchType [in my old life I had an average of 65wpm - this is mostly replying on muscle memory and a new way of moving my entire arms to get to the keys, not my hands or fingers...]. For anything else they're basically pointless -- virtuallyZERO Manual Dexterity or Fine Motor Skills.

Fingers unable to move well, or at all. Unable to hold things well or at all. Can't clench properly, or at all. Don't even ask me to hold small things unless you're ready to catch them when they fall.

Holding things involves painful movement and clenching. More often than not, trying to take hold of a thing to lift it or bring it to me, results in it being wrenched off me because of weight, of it needing to be wiggled out of somewhere, causing immense pain to my hands and nails when it gets wrenched away and falls. Unable to grip or hold onto anything tightly makes Dropping Things Inevitable  --- and that is SO frightening & disconcerting to someone who always had good dexterity and excellent fine motor skills from birth... 

I CANNOT Hold a Knife and Fork anymore to eat as normal. I can hold a fork or spoon with a good handle on its own, and manage to eat literally single-handedly, sometimes. Other times I am reduced to Finger 

I struggle to hold pens/pencils/tablet pens &styluses -- and  have to use special Triangle Pens to write properly - and even then it's HARD, and takes a shitload of concentration.

There's Virtually Zero Touch Sensation... I can't feel my fingers or hands touching or holding things... I can't tell if my body is leaning against something Anywhere.

I can't feel body temperature, either -- I have no idea if I am hot or cold... Sometimes certain things will flag my consciousness and I'll realise something is going on... But it's nothing but an educated guess at best. I could feel dreadfully ILL, maybe Blacking Out,  all of a sudden and it could possibly be I am Too Hot. I might be in a lot of Extra PAIN and it possibly might be because I am Too Cold.... So, then I will try and put the fan on/extra top or long arm gloves on to see if it helps at all and see if it gets better or not. 

I can't feel Temperature when I touch something, or it touches me, unless it's very extreme. I could too easily burn myself, which is a concern - so whenever I have gone for a shower, someone else has to check and police the water temperature to make sure it's a safe level to not burn me. I also get Ice Cream Brain-Freeze way too often when 

Bottom Line -- I have virtually no control over my Fingers, my Hands, my Body, my Environment. Or of My Entire "Life". 

My Life... Just continues to literally sicken me....
I mean, why shouldn't it?
The... state I am in is... Deplorable. Suffocating.
Horrifying.

I am Not Old -- But I have less than what an invalid Nonagenarian in a Nursing Home would have to go through. I am stuck in one room, unable to leave without a LOT of help, stuck in the building without even more help, and the PAIN, Effort, Exhaustion where Just That ALONE requires means it's literally not in my best

.interest to do it, unless BEYOND ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY

I can't manage basics, like cleaning, washing, dressing, doing my hair - I haven't had a real shower in a Year, and I

haven't dyed my hair in maybe 8 or 9 MONTHS - the LONGEST time EVER; everything is Shampoo Caps & Wet Wipe Bed Baths.... My body literally cannot manage it. I'm in the SAME DAMNED STATE I was in when fighting the Septicaemia -- In Hospital... probably about a stone's throw from the Grim Reaper.

I can't move from PAIN, Exhaustion & Fatigue, Spasmed Muscles (despite being on a lot of anti-spasmodic meds). I tremble badly - bodily, through my arms, hands & fingers. It GOES. RIGHT. THROUGH. ME. And literally makes me feel like Ripping My Skin Off.

I am Incontinent -- I have to wear Adult Nappies. I have a literal open hole in my lower abdomen, so I can pee through a tube that goes straight from my bladder and out the hole, into a bag that is attached to me. When that goes wrong, things go VERY WRONG. 

My body doesn't seem to know how to really use my bowel anymore, at all, after it got Quite Brutally Battered by Septicaemia & Sepsis in January 2018 & Spent 6 weeks in hospital fighting it. Peristalsis seems to have entirely given up the ghost, and it just entirely relies on plain old Gravity now... Meaning it takes FOREVER for the stuff to come out. I used to be in there for just over an hour MAX, but more recently it's been WAY Over 2 HOURS to get it out. Last one was over two and a half hours. It's not been like this since I was in hospital, when my body - especially my bowel - was being ravaged by multiple infections... And it's THAT BAD again now.

Whenever it does force me to the bathroom, it involves enormous effort & agonising, forced movement to Just Get There -- Including dragging myself there and hauling myself up from the floor onto the toilet myself. I can't and don't usually remain conscious whilst I am there and Black Out for prolonged periods of time. Getting back off the toilet generally involves controlled falling, then bigging myself up to forcibly drag myself back to the Room and subsequently dealing with the Overwhelming PAIN, Exhaustion & Distress.

The Entire Thing takes an ENORMOUS Amount Of WILLPOWER to manage all this, ad I'm SEVERELY LOW on that, these days.

Right Now... I have Bypassed A LOT... It's gone through the Tena Pants on on the cushion I am sitting on in my Spot, on my dress, Tena Pants Saturated. It Stinks. It's Utterly Degrading & Disgusting. The Worst Part?... I can't even MOVE TO GODS-DAMNED CHANGE & FIX IT. I HAVE TO WAIT for my Meds To Kick In, so I CAN do what I need to do.... Which in this case is Change my Skirt, Change my Tena Pants and change my Day/Leg Bag - which was the cause of the Bypassing in the first place.

The Effort and PAIN to manage that.... Is Indescribably Horrific, and there's little I can do but Lump It until my Meds Kick in and hopefully dips the pain down just enough to manage it without throwing up and Blacking Out, in whichever way they end up turning up. 

THIS IS LIFE NOW. 

Sitting in my own piss because I am TOO ILL & IN PAIN TO FREAKING MOVE.

I'm going through clothes like nobody's fucking business, wrecking them...  Clothes needing constant washing all the time because of it... 

Stress Heightens The Symptoms -
and now they've got to the point
where they are
literally Unbearable.

Everything is being Suffocated Beneath CHAOS... And that agitation within me CANNOT EVER Settle. It causes SO Much Difficulty and IMMENSE Complexity.

The RELENTLESS ZoneOut & BlackOut Hamster Wheel Rapid-Cycling at the speed of an out-of-control souped-up Bullet Train is Debilitating, Frightening & Immeasurably Harmful... Where Days,Weeks, Months.... Even YEARS... Just Vanish Into The Ether - Never to be had, or seen, or even remembered again.

Everything is being Suffocated Beneath CHAOS... And that agitation within me CANNOT EVER Settle. It causes SO Much Difficulty and IMMENSE Complexity.

The RELENTLESS ZoneOut & BlackOut Hamster Wheel Rapid-Cycling at the speed of an out-of-control souped-up Bullet Train is Debilitating, Frightening & Immeasurably Harmful... Where Days,Weeks, Months.... Even YEARS... Just Vanish Into The Ether - Never to be had, or seen, or even remembered again.

So... HOW Can You EVER Be OK With...
NOT Being OK??

I feel cold inside... I am Shaking -- as well as my usual Trembling... I am nothing but Hollow & Very Still inside my brain and my soul.

It's Hard To Breathe -- Just Feeling like there's only thin air on top of a high mountain....

After those Incidents that cause Meltdowns and Mini-Meltdown -- the Realisation that the Sheer Grief about Not Being Able To Do Something Myself was the MAIN Contributor, rather than the usual culprits... Is Constantly Too Astronomical To Even BEGIN To Comprehend...

When I am trying to "manage" these things don't get seen so much. But when the floodgates get open by the sheer Terror of going into, and/or being in a Meltdown... There's no holding back the Absolute Abject Horror of the situation I now find myself irreparably in.

The Grief and the Trauma NEVER EVER LEAVE.
Ever. 

The fact that my body keeps going downhill is Quite Utterly Petrifying. Now it's Dysphagia that's Joined The Party, and now it really does feel like This Shit's Become SEROIOUS.

Dysphagia has gone downhill so rapidly recently, that I’ve ended up struggling to eat food or water without MAJOR Ramifications of Aspirating…

… When I got my Fibro diagnosis, Rheumatologist told me it wasn’t “degenerative”… 

Well, SOMETHING Is… And not only is it Degenerative, it’s Disintegrating  As Hell… Destroyed my old life & Continues Destroying my current “existence” -- AND My Body.

So if Fibromyalgia IS NOT Degenerative... Why is everything GETTING WORSE?? WAY WAY WAY WORSE???!!

I can't drink without running a SEVERE risk of effectively Drowning myself - no matter what it is, or how it's drunk, it almost inevitably WILL go down my trachea and into my lungs. There's only ONE way of doing it where the odds are more favourable towards me than It, and it also means never being able to do a lot of things Normally ever again...

I have to drink out of a toddler's Sippy Cup, and No More than 150ml at a time in it. There's only One Simple Technique that works -- raising my head up and back, effectively blocking off the windpipe/trachea, before dinking down the small amount of Volvic Melon & Passionfruit water or a Doppio of Dolce Gusto's Starbucks Espresso in the Sippy Cup. It must be thin, watery fluid -- anything more than that and I run the risk of either not getting it down properly, or not being able to cough it all back up.

Some Swallowing Difficulties have started to arrive, too, making it even more tedious. 

As a happy, proud, staunch Coffeeholic... I'm heartbroken and wrecked knowing I can't drink what I can, the way I am used to.

There's also been the Conundrum of being able to take Meds. These were a Nightmare to try and manage them. I can barely even hold them in my hands and somehow I'm also supposed to Swallow them with ease, too.

For a LONG Time, I "Sucked It Up" in the end - taking them as normal, and Just Putting Up With & Accepting the fact I would Inevitably aspirate the coffee or water, preparing a small "kit" each time to deal with it: Kitchen Roll (the super strong kind), asthma inhalers, a bin or vomit bag for the fluid to be purged into. 

But then came the day I aspirated SEVEN TIMES  -- and I was physically too exhausted to force up any more that day. There HAD to be a different way... Because I Just COULDN'T TAKE IT -- OR My Meds -- Any More.

Found it in the end, on that day... Chocolate Pudding.

Specifically Cadbury's Dairy Milk Layers of Joy Pudding.

I can't eat most things without running the risk of not being able to cough  it back up, and it's been getting steadily worse ever since. 

HOW In All The Gods' Goddamned Names did it Come to This????...

I Just Absolutely Can't Ever Stop Thinking About that.

It just feels like someone pushed me off down a Nightmare Ski Run when I haven't even seen a ski run before in my life... Going downhill so fast, crashing into Everything on the way down, each time with Catastrophic Results & Consequences.

My Entire Existence is actually so Demeaning, I am Reeling. It's Ridiculously Catastrophic, Chaotic... Almost Squaller. 

It is Degradation. And I can't seem to DO Anything About It. No matter how practical, innovative, pro-active, simplistic, convoluted...

... Nothing.

...Nothing.